Dyeing my hair was interesting this time. No, seriously!
I was dyeing it black again the other night, to cover some natural-red highlights and my ever-worsening gray roots. So as usual, it was slicked back against my head. This tends to reveal the less-than-feminine skull and hairline my thick, poofy hair usually hides well, and makes me look sorta like Bowser from Sha-Na-Na. A really queer Bowser.
I'd have provided a goofy photo if it hadn't been so distressing to me that night, folks. Not so much immediately upsetting, it kind of subliminally threw me into a deep, two-day Doubt funk. After talking with Connie about it a little bit ago, I feel like the Doubt really deserves another, deeper look-see.
I think I've realized that Doubt is really a result of my usual sense of self being disrupted in a non-fun way.
When I'm simply going about my day, I've come to think of myself as very much Milla in a very real sense. And I really am Milla, whether or not I always was. I feel very strongly I was.
But it's almost like a weird, dissociative memory block at the same time. I feel like this new person, who just happens to have these fake memories and photos and belongings that really belong to this mysterious other person named "Ian." I never really lived or looked like that, right?
Bzzt. When this model of reality is disturbed, by seeing "Ian" with greaser hair and boobs in the mirror, fer instance, I am forcibly, brutally reminded that these memories are, in fact, very real. And they are mine. And that stings.
Even Connie has a lot of trouble thinking of me as the same person.
Maybe the mystery of whether transsexualism is scientifically "real" or not, and whether gender identity is static or fluid, or determined by nature or nuture, will be solved.
On the other hand, maybe I know who and what I am, and just ultimately don't care about the whys and hows. And maybe that's what really matters.
Give it some more time Luv, the Doubts go away after a while. That's when those old pictures and memories become REALLY FUN. Especially when it all starts seeming like a movie you saw one. More to the point, when it starts FEELING like a movie you saw once.
Eventually the Doubts take on this "Twilight Zone" quality to them it comes down to "Wow, I just can't even imagine being that person."
For friends and family it's much the same thing, so much so in ways that we all refer to the old me at times as my brother. I kid you not. I mean yeah, I still have all those old memories, and inside I'm more or less...
A completely different person. I don't feel like him, to be honest I know that while he had some perfectly good reasons for things he did back then, I cannot imagine doing the same thing, nor can I wrap my mind around what "he" was thinking them. So it's fun.
Me, I haven't the slightest doubt at this point in my life. Well that's not true, I have serious doubts that I ever really was that person, then again so do most of my friends and family. So yeah, little doubt that I was even him in spite of the memories, photo's and even some video left laying around.
I will say thankfully there isn't much. I was allergic to cameras of any kind for all those years, well allergic to being in front of them! I'm a photographer, and love taking pictures, but hated being in them. Now on the other hand it doesn't bother me nearly as much.
Amazing what time and distance can do!
Sam
Posted by Samantha at September 18, 2007 02:40 AM
Time (and blood chemistry =) has done quite a lot since that entry. The doubt-y feelings are getting a lot less common and it's way less severe when it *does* happen.
The Doubt 2: Who Are You? - 09/27/06 01:13 AM
Dyeing my hair was interesting this time. No, seriously!
I was dyeing it black again the other night, to cover some natural-red highlights and my ever-worsening gray roots. So as usual, it was slicked back against my head. This tends to reveal the less-than-feminine skull and hairline my thick, poofy hair usually hides well, and makes me look sorta like Bowser from Sha-Na-Na. A really queer Bowser.
I'd have provided a goofy photo if it hadn't been so distressing to me that night, folks. Not so much immediately upsetting, it kind of subliminally threw me into a deep, two-day Doubt funk. After talking with Connie about it a little bit ago, I feel like the Doubt really deserves another, deeper look-see.
I think I've realized that Doubt is really a result of my usual sense of self being disrupted in a non-fun way.
When I'm simply going about my day, I've come to think of myself as very much Milla in a very real sense. And I really am Milla, whether or not I always was. I feel very strongly I was.
But it's almost like a weird, dissociative memory block at the same time. I feel like this new person, who just happens to have these fake memories and photos and belongings that really belong to this mysterious other person named "Ian." I never really lived or looked like that, right?
Bzzt. When this model of reality is disturbed, by seeing "Ian" with greaser hair and boobs in the mirror, fer instance, I am forcibly, brutally reminded that these memories are, in fact, very real. And they are mine. And that stings.
Even Connie has a lot of trouble thinking of me as the same person.
Maybe the mystery of whether transsexualism is scientifically "real" or not, and whether gender identity is static or fluid, or determined by nature or nuture, will be solved.
On the other hand, maybe I know who and what I am, and just ultimately don't care about the whys and hows. And maybe that's what really matters.
Posted in by Milla | Comments (2)
Give it some more time Luv, the Doubts go away after a while. That's when those old pictures and memories become REALLY FUN. Especially when it all starts seeming like a movie you saw one. More to the point, when it starts FEELING like a movie you saw once.
Eventually the Doubts take on this "Twilight Zone" quality to them it comes down to "Wow, I just can't even imagine being that person."
For friends and family it's much the same thing, so much so in ways that we all refer to the old me at times as my brother. I kid you not. I mean yeah, I still have all those old memories, and inside I'm more or less...
A completely different person. I don't feel like him, to be honest I know that while he had some perfectly good reasons for things he did back then, I cannot imagine doing the same thing, nor can I wrap my mind around what "he" was thinking them. So it's fun.
Me, I haven't the slightest doubt at this point in my life. Well that's not true, I have serious doubts that I ever really was that person, then again so do most of my friends and family. So yeah, little doubt that I was even him in spite of the memories, photo's and even some video left laying around.
I will say thankfully there isn't much. I was allergic to cameras of any kind for all those years, well allergic to being in front of them! I'm a photographer, and love taking pictures, but hated being in them. Now on the other hand it doesn't bother me nearly as much.
Amazing what time and distance can do!
Sam
Posted by Samantha at September 18, 2007 02:40 AM
Time (and blood chemistry =) has done quite a lot since that entry. The doubt-y feelings are getting a lot less common and it's way less severe when it *does* happen.
Posted by Milla at September 21, 2007 05:48 PM