Appy polly logies for the lack of updates recently. If it's any consolation, I do have a large non-personal entry coming up soon. It rocks, honest!
One of the reasons for the serious lag in updates lately is that I'm simply running out of transition-related topics. Feel free to suggest them via comments or email if there's anything you're curious about. It's Ask a Tranny!
But mainly, I've had some rough emotional spots and general foot-dragging to deal with. After all, those are the perks of being a fucked-up bipolar chick who gets her sex hormones via air mail.
Speaking of which, I look pretty tonight. (Please bear with me.) I was about to brush my teeth, and my reflection in our large bathroom mirror struck me. I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, but through all the personal hubbub, sometimes I fail to even notice all the wonderful progress I make. Yes, for a girl who grew up with testes, and has only been on female HRT for a little over a year, starting at 30, I actually look pretty okay!
This sort of downtime is exactly when I lose sight of why I'm going through all this soul-rending crapola to begin with. When I'm down, frustrated, or otherwise unhappy, often I get a feeling I've come to call The Doubt.
Occasional cases of The Doubt are not at all uncommon among transfolks. One of my trans friends has reported experiencing this post-op, even. It's the strong, distressing feeling that you really belong to your assigned gender after all, that transition is futile and crazy, that one still looks very male or female.
I'll admit it: The Doubt has almost caused me to give up on transitioning a couple of times. It's such a powerful feeling that it has surely, sadly changed the minds of some otherwise newly happy, comfortable people.
Thankfully, there's also the flip-side of the coin: Certainty. I've had moments of such blaring certainty, I can end some Doubt spells just by remembering that feeling, along with my 2-year-old driver's license photo:
Damn, the contrast in those pictures (on every level) seems to spell things out rather clearly!
*raises hand*
OK, I think my question ties into this post well. Is there anything you miss about living as a man? On the flip side, what's your favorite thing about living as a woman?
and just a general comment/valentine: thank you for writing about your experiences. They are very helpful to anyone who has ever faced an issue of identity, gender related or no (not to mention that they are also funny and charming!). I think you're establishing a written voice (like a spoken voice) that is helping you define who you are.
It really does. I'm thinking about getting a laminated business card made with those photos and the text for the next attack. For now, it's still on my license!
Your support has been a large factor in keeping me going with the site. Thank you!
It's probably(?) small surprise that Hunter S. Thompson (RIP) was my journalistic hero. He got a lot of flak for making his voice and doings more important than the article itself, but that's what made him so great to read, IMO. =)
Don't let The Doubt ever get in your way... You are magnificently beautiful, and the contrast in photos is amazing! I am behind you 180% all the way! :)
For what it's worth, you're one of my favorite blogs. People are just plain silly for not flocking over here in droves!
HST is a great hero to have--he understood the value of the individual perspective like few others and was never afraid to call bullshit when he saw it.
I can't help but respond to one of the questions above. Do I miss anything about being "male?" You know, not a thing. I mean I've thought about it for quite a while and to quote Gen Jack O'Neill "I got nothin!"
On the flipside, what's my favorite thing about living as a woman? Well I'm not living "as" one, I am one, and the single greatest thing would be one word, LIVING! I have a real life now, I'm living a life I never imagined would be possible. I live, laugh, love in a way I never could or did before. The thing that I remember most about finally being me, was smiling all the time, so much so my face hurt from using muscles I'd never really used before.
I'm alive, really, honestly, truly, for the first time in my life, it's so cool! SO freeing, liberating, honest and alive. How's that for my favorite thing?
The Doubt - 07/21/06 02:23 AM
Appy polly logies for the lack of updates recently. If it's any consolation, I do have a large non-personal entry coming up soon. It rocks, honest!
One of the reasons for the serious lag in updates lately is that I'm simply running out of transition-related topics. Feel free to suggest them via comments or email if there's anything you're curious about. It's Ask a Tranny!
But mainly, I've had some rough emotional spots and general foot-dragging to deal with. After all, those are the perks of being a fucked-up bipolar chick who gets her sex hormones via air mail.
Speaking of which, I look pretty tonight. (Please bear with me.) I was about to brush my teeth, and my reflection in our large bathroom mirror struck me. I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, but through all the personal hubbub, sometimes I fail to even notice all the wonderful progress I make. Yes, for a girl who grew up with testes, and has only been on female HRT for a little over a year, starting at 30, I actually look pretty okay!
This sort of downtime is exactly when I lose sight of why I'm going through all this soul-rending crapola to begin with. When I'm down, frustrated, or otherwise unhappy, often I get a feeling I've come to call The Doubt.
Occasional cases of The Doubt are not at all uncommon among transfolks. One of my trans friends has reported experiencing this post-op, even. It's the strong, distressing feeling that you really belong to your assigned gender after all, that transition is futile and crazy, that one still looks very male or female.
I'll admit it: The Doubt has almost caused me to give up on transitioning a couple of times. It's such a powerful feeling that it has surely, sadly changed the minds of some otherwise newly happy, comfortable people.
Thankfully, there's also the flip-side of the coin: Certainty. I've had moments of such blaring certainty, I can end some Doubt spells just by remembering that feeling, along with my 2-year-old driver's license photo:
Yep. I'm pretty durned sure.
Posted in transition, weblog by Milla | Comments (5)
Damn, the contrast in those pictures (on every level) seems to spell things out rather clearly!
*raises hand*
OK, I think my question ties into this post well. Is there anything you miss about living as a man? On the flip side, what's your favorite thing about living as a woman?
and just a general comment/valentine: thank you for writing about your experiences. They are very helpful to anyone who has ever faced an issue of identity, gender related or no (not to mention that they are also funny and charming!). I think you're establishing a written voice (like a spoken voice) that is helping you define who you are.
Posted by patita at July 21, 2006 10:36 AM
It really does. I'm thinking about getting a laminated business card made with those photos and the text for the next attack. For now, it's still on my license!
Your support has been a large factor in keeping me going with the site. Thank you!
It's probably(?) small surprise that Hunter S. Thompson (RIP) was my journalistic hero. He got a lot of flak for making his voice and doings more important than the article itself, but that's what made him so great to read, IMO. =)
Posted by Milla at July 21, 2006 02:45 PM
Don't let The Doubt ever get in your way... You are magnificently beautiful, and the contrast in photos is amazing! I am behind you 180% all the way! :)
Posted by surrealmonk at July 23, 2006 12:21 AM
For what it's worth, you're one of my favorite blogs. People are just plain silly for not flocking over here in droves!
HST is a great hero to have--he understood the value of the individual perspective like few others and was never afraid to call bullshit when he saw it.
Posted by patita at July 25, 2006 02:47 PM
I can't help but respond to one of the questions above. Do I miss anything about being "male?" You know, not a thing. I mean I've thought about it for quite a while and to quote Gen Jack O'Neill "I got nothin!"
On the flipside, what's my favorite thing about living as a woman? Well I'm not living "as" one, I am one, and the single greatest thing would be one word, LIVING! I have a real life now, I'm living a life I never imagined would be possible. I live, laugh, love in a way I never could or did before. The thing that I remember most about finally being me, was smiling all the time, so much so my face hurt from using muscles I'd never really used before.
I'm alive, really, honestly, truly, for the first time in my life, it's so cool! SO freeing, liberating, honest and alive. How's that for my favorite thing?
Sam
Posted by Samantha at September 17, 2007 04:36 PM