I'd just lugged a hamper full of clean, dry clothes up two stories of snow-covered wooden steps at the back of the building, from the pay machines in the basement. While I struggled with keeping my increasingly baggy laundry-day jeans pulled up beneath my wool coat, a boy with long black hair looked out from just inside the apartment below us. I trudged upward, hoping my pants would not end up around my ankles right then and there, as they were trying very hard to do.
The girl stared at me, as surprised as I was. She looked me up and down. Her eyes widened slightly and she smiled.
I hadn't expected to see Milla standing there. I had just put my coat back in the closet and closed the door (which had been generally left open before I arrived) to help keep the cold out. And suddenly, there she was, staring myself in the face from out of a full-length mirror on the closet door.
And there I saw me, for the first time ever, in the flesh. No cheesy graphic manipulation, no breathy sighs regarding continued hormones and weight loss, no agonizing over upper body mass, no obsessing over which gory facial surgeries would make me self-acceptable, no disgust or bitter upset. My hair could use a little work, but y'know, it's not bad.
This time, though there weren't many of them, the tears were happy ones.
I'm been jealously checking out your blog for the last.... nine months or so. I think you're doing swell! If The Doubt tries to come knocking on your door, don't give in!
Your cat 'Mr. Foo' and I have much in common, I suspect. I'm not cisgendered anything, per se, but an intersexed individual transitioning to what I feel is my correct gender. You're much further along, and doing wonderfully well. I look forward to each update with bated breath. (OK, not _literally_, but you understand what I mean.) :D
It sounds like the Doubt was more about whether you could transition, rather than whether you wanted to, or thought it was right for you. More a matter of money and acceptance, than right-ness.
Right Turn, Part I - 12/05/07 05:54 PM
The girl took me by surprise.
I'd just lugged a hamper full of clean, dry clothes up two stories of snow-covered wooden steps at the back of the building, from the pay machines in the basement. While I struggled with keeping my increasingly baggy laundry-day jeans pulled up beneath my wool coat, a boy with long black hair looked out from just inside the apartment below us. I trudged upward, hoping my pants would not end up around my ankles right then and there, as they were trying very hard to do.
The girl stared at me, as surprised as I was. She looked me up and down. Her eyes widened slightly and she smiled.
I hadn't expected to see Milla standing there. I had just put my coat back in the closet and closed the door (which had been generally left open before I arrived) to help keep the cold out. And suddenly, there she was, staring myself in the face from out of a full-length mirror on the closet door.
And there I saw me, for the first time ever, in the flesh. No cheesy graphic manipulation, no breathy sighs regarding continued hormones and weight loss, no agonizing over upper body mass, no obsessing over which gory facial surgeries would make me self-acceptable, no disgust or bitter upset. My hair could use a little work, but y'know, it's not bad.
This time, though there weren't many of them, the tears were happy ones.
Posted in misc, presentation, transition by Milla | Comments (4)
Far from not bad, Milla--you're beautiful. Keep that door closed if you need the mirror to remind yourself. I can live with it.
Posted by That Queer Chick at December 7, 2007 09:54 AM
Hi Milla.
I'm been jealously checking out your blog for the last.... nine months or so. I think you're doing swell! If The Doubt tries to come knocking on your door, don't give in!
Your cat 'Mr. Foo' and I have much in common, I suspect. I'm not cisgendered anything, per se, but an intersexed individual transitioning to what I feel is my correct gender. You're much further along, and doing wonderfully well. I look forward to each update with bated breath. (OK, not _literally_, but you understand what I mean.) :D
Faithfully waiting,
(Pseudonymously) 'Elle'
Posted by "Elle Müller" at December 10, 2007 11:47 AM
Thanks, Elle! Glad you like. =)
I'm happy to say, The Doubt doesn't come around much anymore. It peeks in the window sometimes, but that's about it.
Posted by Milla at December 11, 2007 12:18 AM
It sounds like the Doubt was more about whether you could transition, rather than whether you wanted to, or thought it was right for you. More a matter of money and acceptance, than right-ness.
Posted by Connie at March 23, 2008 08:10 PM