While things have been for the most part pretty okay-- relative to how most of my transition has gone so far, at least-- I've not been, well, doing well, which makes it pretty hard to get the things done that need done. Like, say, posting on Transgurl more than once in two months!
Being a Fucked-up Bipolar Chick™ means there are both highs and lows, but Type II bipolar disorder (which I've been diagnosed with in the past) is hypomanic. This means that when I feel "high," it's not as severe or long-lasting, relative to Type I bipolar.
The rest of the time is usually kind of a low-grade depression that sits just below baseline, and reacts to situations a little too strongly. Type II is also faster. It tends to turn your life into a roller coaster. And being hormonally female, especially via easily forgotten oral medications, does not help the matter. Seriously.
In a few moments, I'll be back on Prozac (generic). I've not taken it since right before going full time, but I probably should have been on it all along. It's not for everyone, but I've used it for four different periods, and it has always ended up making me much happier, more focused, and admittedly, better functioning. The change it induces in me is marked enough to draw happy, surprised comments. I've been on various other psych meds, and this, the second one I ever tried, is the one I personally respond to the best, by far.
The cycle goes something like this: Things get bad. I go on Prozac. It really helps and I feel much better. I feel so much better, I stop taking Prozac after six months or so. Yay, cured for life! For the third time! I do okay for a few months. Things get bad.
After the umpteenth close call I had a few weeks ago, I think it's time I seriously considered that I apparently need to be on something for good if I don't want life to feel like a broken glass treadmill with weekly reminders of how I could feel. Worse yet, I risk it ending abruptly by going without. Even now, as myself.
The last time I quit Prozac, I thought maybe my transition would remove the need for psych meds, at least for me. Even though things are much better than they would have been beforehand, transition itself only fixes one problem, and as the old Buddhist koan goes, everyone has 47 problems.
If you immediately know the candle light is fire, the meal was cooked long ago.
Another Koan, one I'm fond of, but to be honest and easy one. Also one that bears on things here.
So far, I've been formally diagnosed as having Major Depression and possibly bi-polar, though based on all the available evidence, and recent information, it's probably PMDD. Anyway, one thing I've learned. If meds are usually good for you, chances are they pretty much always will be even if you don't feel icky. Based on other things you've written, and the class of med that Prozac is, you might not be bipolar either.
Because of our slightly different pedigree, doctors are not usually willing to consider PMDD, after all, only natal females get that right? Well, I don't know, and neither do they. Zoloft in terms of classes of meds, is a close relative of Prozac, and both are used to treat PMDD. I've been on Zoloft now for a while, because only welbutrin wasn't enough. Tried several meds that are "mood" stabilizers, because for four to six days a month the bottom got so much lower than Welburtin could handle, but the side effects caused me to have to stop. I found a curious thing with Zoloft, not only were the lows no longer dangerous, but the "highs" kinda faded away to something I don't notice and have to intensionally control anymore.
PMDD ia a brain and biochemical thing, but funny how its a women only kind of thing. I haven't been tested for genetic proof I'm Intersexed, but that's my official diagnosis anyway. That's how much anecdotal evidence has been collected. Far as my doctors are concerned, even on the inside, especially on the inside, I'm a girl. Which now that I look like one, makes everything so much easier. Mind you not just my brain, but my biochemistry is as well. Far more so than if I was a so called "normal" MTF Transwoman. It means, PMDD is a real possibility especially since a med specifically used in treating PMDD works where others don't.
Mood disorders suck, no matter what kind, but having a choice, I'd take PMDD over bipolar. Many others around me are, including family members, and PMDD seems much easier to deal with.
Me, I learned a while back, I hate what not having meds do to me. So I try never to miss them, or go off them. Nothing bad happens when I stay on them, but anytime I go off I run into trouble. So, compliance is not such a big problem for me anymore.
Ah, one other thing. Switch, as soon as you can to injectable HRT, SUCH A BIG difference. Just a word of advice, go no more than 9 days between shots. The claim is the half life is 10-14 days. My experience is 9 days and its gone. But, one shot every 7-9 days, and it makes a big difference in both cost, and mood impact.
Hang in there girl, you rock!
Sam
Posted by Samantha at September 18, 2007 04:38 AM
I'm researching PMDD now, hadn't heard of it.. thanks!
Oh, and also I'm switching to depo very soon; you read my mind. =)
My wife was diagnosed with Bi-polar II a little while back. They used to have her on Paxil and it turned her memory into swiss cheese. :( Apparently typical anti-depressants can be really bad for you if you have BP2. We found a doc who knows what he's doing here and he prescribed low-level lamictol for her (a seizure medication actually). It works wonders. No bi-polar effects and no side effects that we know of.
Unfortunately she had to go off of it while we attempt to get pregnant, but she's planning to go right back on it as soon as we're done with the baby-making.
Deep Blue to Sparkly Pink - 07/30/07 03:51 PM
While things have been for the most part pretty okay-- relative to how most of my transition has gone so far, at least-- I've not been, well, doing well, which makes it pretty hard to get the things done that need done. Like, say, posting on Transgurl more than once in two months!
Being a Fucked-up Bipolar Chick™ means there are both highs and lows, but Type II bipolar disorder (which I've been diagnosed with in the past) is hypomanic. This means that when I feel "high," it's not as severe or long-lasting, relative to Type I bipolar.
The rest of the time is usually kind of a low-grade depression that sits just below baseline, and reacts to situations a little too strongly. Type II is also faster. It tends to turn your life into a roller coaster. And being hormonally female, especially via easily forgotten oral medications, does not help the matter. Seriously.
In a few moments, I'll be back on Prozac (generic). I've not taken it since right before going full time, but I probably should have been on it all along. It's not for everyone, but I've used it for four different periods, and it has always ended up making me much happier, more focused, and admittedly, better functioning. The change it induces in me is marked enough to draw happy, surprised comments. I've been on various other psych meds, and this, the second one I ever tried, is the one I personally respond to the best, by far.
The cycle goes something like this: Things get bad. I go on Prozac. It really helps and I feel much better. I feel so much better, I stop taking Prozac after six months or so. Yay, cured for life! For the third time! I do okay for a few months. Things get bad.
After the umpteenth close call I had a few weeks ago, I think it's time I seriously considered that I apparently need to be on something for good if I don't want life to feel like a broken glass treadmill with weekly reminders of how I could feel. Worse yet, I risk it ending abruptly by going without. Even now, as myself.
The last time I quit Prozac, I thought maybe my transition would remove the need for psych meds, at least for me. Even though things are much better than they would have been beforehand, transition itself only fixes one problem, and as the old Buddhist koan goes, everyone has 47 problems.
46. *gulp*
Posted in hindsight, misc by Milla | Comments (3)
If you immediately know the candle light is fire, the meal was cooked long ago.
Another Koan, one I'm fond of, but to be honest and easy one. Also one that bears on things here.
So far, I've been formally diagnosed as having Major Depression and possibly bi-polar, though based on all the available evidence, and recent information, it's probably PMDD. Anyway, one thing I've learned. If meds are usually good for you, chances are they pretty much always will be even if you don't feel icky. Based on other things you've written, and the class of med that Prozac is, you might not be bipolar either.
Because of our slightly different pedigree, doctors are not usually willing to consider PMDD, after all, only natal females get that right? Well, I don't know, and neither do they. Zoloft in terms of classes of meds, is a close relative of Prozac, and both are used to treat PMDD. I've been on Zoloft now for a while, because only welbutrin wasn't enough. Tried several meds that are "mood" stabilizers, because for four to six days a month the bottom got so much lower than Welburtin could handle, but the side effects caused me to have to stop. I found a curious thing with Zoloft, not only were the lows no longer dangerous, but the "highs" kinda faded away to something I don't notice and have to intensionally control anymore.
PMDD ia a brain and biochemical thing, but funny how its a women only kind of thing. I haven't been tested for genetic proof I'm Intersexed, but that's my official diagnosis anyway. That's how much anecdotal evidence has been collected. Far as my doctors are concerned, even on the inside, especially on the inside, I'm a girl. Which now that I look like one, makes everything so much easier. Mind you not just my brain, but my biochemistry is as well. Far more so than if I was a so called "normal" MTF Transwoman. It means, PMDD is a real possibility especially since a med specifically used in treating PMDD works where others don't.
Mood disorders suck, no matter what kind, but having a choice, I'd take PMDD over bipolar. Many others around me are, including family members, and PMDD seems much easier to deal with.
Me, I learned a while back, I hate what not having meds do to me. So I try never to miss them, or go off them. Nothing bad happens when I stay on them, but anytime I go off I run into trouble. So, compliance is not such a big problem for me anymore.
Ah, one other thing. Switch, as soon as you can to injectable HRT, SUCH A BIG difference. Just a word of advice, go no more than 9 days between shots. The claim is the half life is 10-14 days. My experience is 9 days and its gone. But, one shot every 7-9 days, and it makes a big difference in both cost, and mood impact.
Hang in there girl, you rock!
Sam
Posted by Samantha at September 18, 2007 04:38 AM
I'm researching PMDD now, hadn't heard of it.. thanks!
Oh, and also I'm switching to depo very soon; you read my mind. =)
Posted by Milla at September 21, 2007 05:42 PM
My wife was diagnosed with Bi-polar II a little while back. They used to have her on Paxil and it turned her memory into swiss cheese. :( Apparently typical anti-depressants can be really bad for you if you have BP2. We found a doc who knows what he's doing here and he prescribed low-level lamictol for her (a seizure medication actually). It works wonders. No bi-polar effects and no side effects that we know of.
Unfortunately she had to go off of it while we attempt to get pregnant, but she's planning to go right back on it as soon as we're done with the baby-making.
Posted by Meg at March 27, 2008 12:34 AM