For me at least, getting work is tough. It may not even be because of the tranny thing. But... I wondered if going back to part-time (eew!) for a while might make finding something a little easier. But it had been so long, I wasn't so sure I'd even be able to pass very well.
Of course, typically of me, I decided to find out one weekend, so I went out crossdressing with my girlfriend, who didn't (this time). I wore the only male clothing I still have: my drab green men's dress shirt, a half-decent tie, and black slacks. I don't have any men's dress shoes, but I wore some flat-ish black zipper boots. All in public! Unfortunately, there were some obstacles, and I learned much sympathy for my FtM brothers:
Obstacle #1: I have boobs. As of now, my breasts are very definite B-cups, and it looks like they might even reach somewhere in the C range before they finish. I wore a tightish sports bra to try and flatten them (poo), but I'd still have to gain 50 pounds or so to make them look even remotely proportional. Bzzt.
Obstacle #2: I have hair. My hair is getting decently long, just past my shoulders, poofy, wavy, and worst of all, I have BANGS! Think Courtney Love circa 1994, except brown. Bzzt.
Obstacle #3: I lack voice. Estrogen will not affect my poor testosteronated voice box much, but it does a little, as do new proportions and muscle tone. I haven't used those lower registers except in rare occasions (some very funny) since early last summer. Bzzt.
Obstacle #4: I am female. Having broken free some time ago, I had a lot of trouble conducting myself in anything resembling a masculine way without lots of effort. That, and my feminized face and body foiled my attempts at being more rough n' rugged than Richard Simmons. Bzzt.
I did not pass very well despite my best efforts. I was also very uncomfortable, almost as nervous as I once was going out in female clothes. I got strange stares from older masculine males especially. Towards the end of the whole weird adventure, I put on powder and lipstick and acted like myself again.
Part-time isn't an option anymore. This girl ain't lookin' back, even though I really, really wish I could just give up and say "fuck it" sometimes.
Patita Pirata asks: "Is there anything you miss about living as a man? On the flip side, what's your favorite thing about living as a woman?"
Good questions, Patita!
I don't miss much about living in the male role, but a few things were easier to deal with.
I think the thing I miss the most, and I hope it's not disappointing, was passing so flawlessly. I was ma'amed 7-8 times in my 29-year lifespan before I transitioned. That wouldn't be a great passing rate for a non-trans person, but much better than I am likely to get now, even if I "went back."
I also miss some aspects of male privilege. Yes, guys, it's very real. I had more license to act and present myself in certain ways because, after all, boys will be boys. Well... usually. I was allowed to act smarter and more confident, and customer service/tech support guys seemed more eager to please me, and more confident in the information I provided. 'Cause girls don't know nothing about boy stuff.
And then of course, being a girl is a huge pain sometimes because we're expected to put a lot more effort into our day-to-day appearances. Which leads neatly to your next question; It's actually my favorite thing at the same time!
I have to admit that my favorite thing about femalehood is appearance: body shape, clothes, jewelry, makeup. It feels a lot more natural, and it can be a lot of fun to get dolled up and go out without fear of ridicule. The clothes are far more interesting and varied, and much more comfortable usually.
Being allowed to have and show feelings is a definite plus. I'm not ridiculed when I cry. We're allowed to touch each other.
Except the occasional cattiness, women have a sort of empathy for each other I really appreciate. When I'm with other women, I don't feel like an outsider like I do with men, and I'm not automatically assumed to meet male stereotypes, especially negative ones. I can look at other girls and their clothes without them assuming I'm gawking at their figures. I feel like I belong. I can bash men. (But only in fun, guys!)
It's way easier for me to get dates, especially with boys, now.
Brights, pastels, and especially pinks are no longer a mortal sin. And there are more than 8 colors at all.
I could go on for hours about why I'm glad I'm female in umpteen-hundred ways, but those are my favorite!
I've noticed that, in a lot of trans-related weblogs with any kind of personal content at all, a common (and fun) post is the costume show. Now that I'm finally comfortable with the idea, thought I'd share some past photos of who I pretended to be.
Everybody knew something was "wrong" with me, but nobody was quite sure what it was. Probably '79 or '80.
My parents saw a lot of this when I wasn't outside playing "Star Wars" or something similar with my boy friends. Either way, I preferred to play girls when possible. (These were in short supply in the sorts of entertainment I was expected to consume.)
Worst Christmas Evar. Late Eighties. Shortly after my first puberty. My mom bought me an Epson printer for my Amiga computer, thinking that was what I'd likely wanted. I hadn't even opened it when she asked me if she could at least "get a smile." She had expected me to open it and play with it immediately as per usual when I got tech gifts. I felt bad, but in retrospect, it wasn't anybody's fault.
My Hunter S. Thompson (as Raoul Duke) halloween costume. Nobody got it except a customer at Blockbuster Video, where I wore my costume that night.
This is the first photo of me presenting as female in any way. My ex-alter-ego, Lenore von Dunkelnacht, brought to life on the happiest Halloween night I ever had, circa the late Nineties. Those are platform patent leather boots from International Male, and my favorite pre-transition footwear of all time. My brother Mitch evidently secretly hated them. I wore them to my cubicle IT job with black jeans tucked in them and Siouxsie and Misfits t-shirts.
Just after graduation, June 1992. I'm not nearly as happy as I look, but you'll have that after several attempts at a "good" photo. I wanted a white robe like the other girls.
Sitting with my (now) late grandmother on her porch swing. I was so happy and comfortable with myself. Can't you tell? Despite the gap, I did love her a lot.
Among my first transition photos. Early 2005. I won't post any of them from before this, though. I was working at the musicians' store presenting as male at this time (changing when I got home), and my shirts were already beginning to get a bit bulkier and softer in the ribcage area. While it made me a little nervous at work, it was the best feeling I've ever had, knowing that I was well on my way to being myself.
Of course, typically of me, I decided to find out one weekend, so I went out crossdressing with my girlfriend, who didn't (this time). I wore the only male clothing I still have: my drab green men's dress shirt, a half-decent tie, and black slacks. I don't have any men's dress shoes, but I wore some flat-ish black zipper boots. All in public! Unfortunately, there were some obstacles, and I learned much sympathy for my FtM brothers:
Obstacle #1: I have boobs. As of now, my breasts are very definite B-cups, and it looks like they might even reach somewhere in the C range before they finish. I wore a tightish sports bra to try and flatten them (poo), but I'd still have to gain 50 pounds or so to make them look even remotely proportional. Bzzt.
Obstacle #2: I have hair. My hair is getting decently long, just past my shoulders, poofy, wavy, and worst of all, I have BANGS! Think Courtney Love circa 1994, except brown. Bzzt.
Obstacle #3: I lack voice. Estrogen will not affect my poor testosteronated voice box much, but it does a little, as do new proportions and muscle tone. I haven't used those lower registers except in rare occasions (some very funny) since early last summer. Bzzt.
Obstacle #4: I am female. Having broken free some time ago, I had a lot of trouble conducting myself in anything resembling a masculine way without lots of effort. That, and my feminized face and body foiled my attempts at being more rough n' rugged than Richard Simmons. Bzzt.
I did not pass very well despite my best efforts. I was also very uncomfortable, almost as nervous as I once was going out in female clothes. I got strange stares from older masculine males especially. Towards the end of the whole weird adventure, I put on powder and lipstick and acted like myself again.
Part-time isn't an option anymore. This girl ain't lookin' back, even though I really, really wish I could just give up and say "fuck it" sometimes.
Hee.
Posted in playing_boy by Milla | Comments (4)
Patita Pirata asks: "Is there anything you miss about living as a man? On the flip side, what's your favorite thing about living as a woman?"
Good questions, Patita!
I don't miss much about living in the male role, but a few things were easier to deal with.
I think the thing I miss the most, and I hope it's not disappointing, was passing so flawlessly. I was ma'amed 7-8 times in my 29-year lifespan before I transitioned. That wouldn't be a great passing rate for a non-trans person, but much better than I am likely to get now, even if I "went back."
I also miss some aspects of male privilege. Yes, guys, it's very real. I had more license to act and present myself in certain ways because, after all, boys will be boys. Well... usually. I was allowed to act smarter and more confident, and customer service/tech support guys seemed more eager to please me, and more confident in the information I provided. 'Cause girls don't know nothing about boy stuff.
And then of course, being a girl is a huge pain sometimes because we're expected to put a lot more effort into our day-to-day appearances. Which leads neatly to your next question; It's actually my favorite thing at the same time!
I have to admit that my favorite thing about femalehood is appearance: body shape, clothes, jewelry, makeup. It feels a lot more natural, and it can be a lot of fun to get dolled up and go out without fear of ridicule. The clothes are far more interesting and varied, and much more comfortable usually.
Being allowed to have and show feelings is a definite plus. I'm not ridiculed when I cry. We're allowed to touch each other.
Except the occasional cattiness, women have a sort of empathy for each other I really appreciate. When I'm with other women, I don't feel like an outsider like I do with men, and I'm not automatically assumed to meet male stereotypes, especially negative ones. I can look at other girls and their clothes without them assuming I'm gawking at their figures. I feel like I belong. I can bash men. (But only in fun, guys!)
It's way easier for me to get dates, especially with boys, now.
Brights, pastels, and especially pinks are no longer a mortal sin. And there are more than 8 colors at all.
I could go on for hours about why I'm glad I'm female in umpteen-hundred ways, but those are my favorite!
Posted in ask_a_tranny, playing_boy, transition by Milla | Comments (5)
I've noticed that, in a lot of trans-related weblogs with any kind of personal content at all, a common (and fun) post is the costume show. Now that I'm finally comfortable with the idea, thought I'd share some past photos of who I pretended to be.
Everybody knew something was "wrong" with me, but nobody was quite sure what it was. Probably '79 or '80.
My parents saw a lot of this when I wasn't outside playing "Star Wars" or something similar with my boy friends. Either way, I preferred to play girls when possible. (These were in short supply in the sorts of entertainment I was expected to consume.)
Worst Christmas Evar. Late Eighties. Shortly after my first puberty. My mom bought me an Epson printer for my Amiga computer, thinking that was what I'd likely wanted. I hadn't even opened it when she asked me if she could at least "get a smile." She had expected me to open it and play with it immediately as per usual when I got tech gifts. I felt bad, but in retrospect, it wasn't anybody's fault.
My Hunter S. Thompson (as Raoul Duke) halloween costume. Nobody got it except a customer at Blockbuster Video, where I wore my costume that night.
This is the first photo of me presenting as female in any way. My ex-alter-ego, Lenore von Dunkelnacht, brought to life on the happiest Halloween night I ever had, circa the late Nineties. Those are platform patent leather boots from International Male, and my favorite pre-transition footwear of all time. My brother Mitch evidently secretly hated them. I wore them to my cubicle IT job with black jeans tucked in them and Siouxsie and Misfits t-shirts.
Just after graduation, June 1992. I'm not nearly as happy as I look, but you'll have that after several attempts at a "good" photo. I wanted a white robe like the other girls.
Sitting with my (now) late grandmother on her porch swing. I was so happy and comfortable with myself. Can't you tell? Despite the gap, I did love her a lot.
Among my first transition photos. Early 2005. I won't post any of them from before this, though. I was working at the musicians' store presenting as male at this time (changing when I got home), and my shirts were already beginning to get a bit bulkier and softer in the ribcage area. While it made me a little nervous at work, it was the best feeling I've ever had, knowing that I was well on my way to being myself.
Posted in hindsight, playing_boy by Milla | Comments (7)