It's time for another installment of Ask a Tranny. Yay! This time we're talking about relationships, and appropriately, there are two questions this time. Ohh yeah! Ahem.
The first topic comes from reader Gwen. Gwen doesn't really have a specific question I can quote. She's been full-time for about five months, and is curious about dating guys, and would like to know about my experiences. She is also, understandably, concerned about how the trans thing comes into play.
For the pre-op MtF, dating can get a little complicated. While there's no perfect way to do it, it can still easily be done!
If one passes, my preferred method is arranging a date in a very public place and meeting them there, then going home with a trusted friend or on your own afterwards. If you decide you'd like to see them again and they feel likewise, only then do you come out to them. Over the phone. If there's a hugely negative reaction, you are physically safe, and they can't come bother you at home because they don't know where you live! Or, it could go over very well with them. Better than well, even.
Pre-op, the best luck with getting dates to begin with will be had with guys and girls who identify as bisexual. Good luck can be had finding dates on online dating services, but results are probably as mixed as for any other girl. I had a few potential guy dates that never happened, but they easily could have, and some almost did. On these services, I prefer to identify as trans in my profile. Transgendered-specific dating services can bring chasers out of the woodwork, but they do work.
Honestly, I haven't dated many guys for very long yet, but it'll surely happen. I briefly dated a guy in Pittsburgh before I lost contact with him to circumstance. This was years before my transition, back in '96, but he treated me like a girl, which I certainly didn't mind! I felt different with him than I have in my relationships with girls. It was a safe, cared-for feeling. He was a pizza driver at a joint I liked, and he picked me up on my way home from art school and gave me a ride to my apartment in the rain. *sighhhh*
I'm very happy in my relationship with Connie, even though it may not last forever. Dating a cissy girl can tend to make a tranny girl feel mannish sometimes, but it's great if you swing that way. Dating a caring guy who treats you right is also wonderful. How to choose?
---
This second question comes from a trans friend of mine who wishes to be anonymous. She asked me recently, "Is it bad to respond to a w4w personal ad and not tell the person that you are trans?"
I have strong opinions on that subject. It's not wrong. But hiding candy is generally a bad idea, especially when dating large, straight men.
I believe trans people really are who we say we are, and we have just as much right to privacy and dignity as anyone else. We don't (well, shouldn't) have to disclose the status or history of our genitals.
But if your parts don't currently match your gender, it's far more courteous-- and safer-- to tell your partner. It's no moral obligation, though. Some post-op girls (and guys?) live in "deep stealth," not even out to their partners. I think that's great! They've become themselves about as fully as they can.
Thanks for emphasizing safety and dignity. The idea of letting someone get to know you a bit so that they are making decisions based on you as a person and not you as a member of a category is sound advice (for anyone, but especially in this situation).
I've read stories of couples who lived their whole lives together without one knowing that the parts didn't match the gender. How could this be done without fabrication or the complicity of friends? Or does it require a very selective social restructuring? I guess I'm thinking about it as a matter of trust between partners (not just casual dating, but when things start getting serious with long term potential).
I'm not sure how that's pulled off, either. My suspicion is that the partner only pretends not to know. Or maybe they just, more or less voluntarily, overlook it?
I don't know, maybe the parts don't matter as much to the relationship? I don't know about restructuring either. I still have (until I can afford the rest of my surgery) one of the three anomalies. Unless or until a relationship becomes physical, or I finally have my vagina (whichever comes first) any relationships I have are not, NOT going to be defined by what is, or isn't, in my skirt. People who knew me before, friends, family and such have already long since made the switch, people that know me now, will it just isn't a question.
I could see meeting someone, falling in love, dating for a year, or more, before sex even becomes an issue. So it's very possible that I could be dating, hanging out with friends, living life, having a boyfriend, and not having it be an issue. I could also see having someone know, and just not care, love is about hearts, not body parts!
Ask a Tranny #2-3 - 08/03/06 01:35 PM
It's time for another installment of Ask a Tranny. Yay! This time we're talking about relationships, and appropriately, there are two questions this time. Ohh yeah! Ahem.
The first topic comes from reader Gwen. Gwen doesn't really have a specific question I can quote. She's been full-time for about five months, and is curious about dating guys, and would like to know about my experiences. She is also, understandably, concerned about how the trans thing comes into play.
For the pre-op MtF, dating can get a little complicated. While there's no perfect way to do it, it can still easily be done!
If one passes, my preferred method is arranging a date in a very public place and meeting them there, then going home with a trusted friend or on your own afterwards. If you decide you'd like to see them again and they feel likewise, only then do you come out to them. Over the phone. If there's a hugely negative reaction, you are physically safe, and they can't come bother you at home because they don't know where you live! Or, it could go over very well with them. Better than well, even.
Pre-op, the best luck with getting dates to begin with will be had with guys and girls who identify as bisexual. Good luck can be had finding dates on online dating services, but results are probably as mixed as for any other girl. I had a few potential guy dates that never happened, but they easily could have, and some almost did. On these services, I prefer to identify as trans in my profile. Transgendered-specific dating services can bring chasers out of the woodwork, but they do work.
Honestly, I haven't dated many guys for very long yet, but it'll surely happen. I briefly dated a guy in Pittsburgh before I lost contact with him to circumstance. This was years before my transition, back in '96, but he treated me like a girl, which I certainly didn't mind! I felt different with him than I have in my relationships with girls. It was a safe, cared-for feeling. He was a pizza driver at a joint I liked, and he picked me up on my way home from art school and gave me a ride to my apartment in the rain. *sighhhh*
I'm very happy in my relationship with Connie, even though it may not last forever. Dating a cissy girl can tend to make a tranny girl feel mannish sometimes, but it's great if you swing that way. Dating a caring guy who treats you right is also wonderful. How to choose?
---
This second question comes from a trans friend of mine who wishes to be anonymous. She asked me recently, "Is it bad to respond to a w4w personal ad and not tell the person that you are trans?"
I have strong opinions on that subject. It's not wrong. But hiding candy is generally a bad idea, especially when dating large, straight men.
I believe trans people really are who we say we are, and we have just as much right to privacy and dignity as anyone else. We don't (well, shouldn't) have to disclose the status or history of our genitals.
But if your parts don't currently match your gender, it's far more courteous-- and safer-- to tell your partner. It's no moral obligation, though. Some post-op girls (and guys?) live in "deep stealth," not even out to their partners. I think that's great! They've become themselves about as fully as they can.
Posted in ask_a_tranny, relationships, sexuality by Milla | Comments (3)
Thanks for emphasizing safety and dignity. The idea of letting someone get to know you a bit so that they are making decisions based on you as a person and not you as a member of a category is sound advice (for anyone, but especially in this situation).
I've read stories of couples who lived their whole lives together without one knowing that the parts didn't match the gender. How could this be done without fabrication or the complicity of friends? Or does it require a very selective social restructuring? I guess I'm thinking about it as a matter of trust between partners (not just casual dating, but when things start getting serious with long term potential).
Posted by patita at August 8, 2006 11:17 AM
I'm not sure how that's pulled off, either. My suspicion is that the partner only pretends not to know. Or maybe they just, more or less voluntarily, overlook it?
Posted by Milla at August 9, 2006 03:43 AM
I don't know, maybe the parts don't matter as much to the relationship? I don't know about restructuring either. I still have (until I can afford the rest of my surgery) one of the three anomalies. Unless or until a relationship becomes physical, or I finally have my vagina (whichever comes first) any relationships I have are not, NOT going to be defined by what is, or isn't, in my skirt. People who knew me before, friends, family and such have already long since made the switch, people that know me now, will it just isn't a question.
I could see meeting someone, falling in love, dating for a year, or more, before sex even becomes an issue. So it's very possible that I could be dating, hanging out with friends, living life, having a boyfriend, and not having it be an issue. I could also see having someone know, and just not care, love is about hearts, not body parts!
Just my two cents...
Sam
Posted by Samantha at September 18, 2007 02:07 AM