Hello... I haven't been around much, but I should be back soon. (New visitors looking for non-personal-type entries might want to look through the category archives-- I hear they're decent.)
Though, general trans topics are running pretty slim. When I do come back (probably sometime next week), I'll need to turn this place into a largely personal weblog, or otherwise change the focus.
Things have gotten a little weird for me lately. (Yeah, eh?) I hope it'll pan out, but in the meantime it may make good Transgurl fodder. Until then, I'm getting my hours in as a part-time involunteer at the local Goodwill store. The constant walking makes it exhausting, but "making" $20.31 towards the fine every hour makes it totally worth it.
Things weren't all that bad in reality, but it sure did feel like it. I couldn't really place just why.
Part of the problem was, I got depressed again. No, wait, that was the whole problem. Transgurl had run out of steam. I was still dealing with legal problems from July '05. I could have been sent back to jail for two and a half months at the drop of a hat. I was Doubt-y. And I only saw Connie a couple hours on weekdays; I was working at Goodwill for free every night because I had-ta. That last bit was the kicker.
Connie and I once volunteered a couple of Wednesdays at a different thrift store. A few of our co-volunteers made the experience less fun for us than it could have been, so we stopped going. But otherwise it helped me get out of the house, and we both love helping out folks who are even poorer than we are.
But at Goodwill, I felt like Little Miss Criminal in the Blue Criminal's Apron for Criminals or something the whole time. It might have been only my own insecurity toying with me, but only a few red-aprons interacted with me regarding anything beyond business. (And they were great folks, those non-judgmental red-aprons.)
So yeah, anyway, that's done. No more fine; I paid the community back for my crime by instead hanging up used clothes! Ah well. My probation should end very soon now, and that will make it much easier to become employed at all. Employment is good. A necessary evil at worst. It pays for hair removal. Internet. And miscellanea like rent and food.
Today's questions come from reader Katie. She writes:
I'm a 35yo, MTF, who hasn't started hormones yet. Your photos look very dramatic, so I'm wondering what type of regimen you're on. [...] Also, I'd like to get your opinion on something. I work in a very, very, (did I say very?), conservative office environment. So, I'm wondering, how long do you think (in your opinion) I could start taking hormones without people noticing?
Thanks for the questions, Katie!
I'm on 2mg of estradiol valerate (Estrace) twice daily, 100 mg spironolactone (Aldactone) twice daily, and 5mg Provera in the evening. I've been on that regimen for most of my transition.
On a regimen like mine, you can probably go six to eight months before you'd have to start wearing a tight sports bra. After about a year or so, I'd reckon that people might start to wonder anyway, depending on your weight/build, style of dress, and how observant your coworkers are. I've read over and over that one can hide the effects of HRT indefinitely, but my own experience would suggest otherwise.
These are of course only guesses, as I went full-time at around 4 months on HRT. I was fairly thin then, for me (a size 14), and nobody at the musician's store I worked at suspected anything. If getting "caught" will be a problem at work, there is the option of slowing the changes by omitting meds or reducing doses. This, I'm told, won't harm the final result.
Hormones change you psychologically as well, and Provera especially can make you really PMS-y or otherwise moody and irritable, so be careful to take them exactly on time!
----
Y'know, I kind of dig being sort of a tranny agony aunt. So, whether you're just a curious bystander, thinking about MtF transition, or still in the trenches (like yours truly), don't be afraid to email me questions, or just post them as comments!
Also, I'm working hard on categories. I just kind of added them over time. But never went back and assigned them to older entries. So now I'm doing just that! Woo!
Dyeing my hair was interesting this time. No, seriously!
I was dyeing it black again the other night, to cover some natural-red highlights and my ever-worsening gray roots. So as usual, it was slicked back against my head. This tends to reveal the less-than-feminine skull and hairline my thick, poofy hair usually hides well, and makes me look sorta like Bowser from Sha-Na-Na. A really queer Bowser.
I'd have provided a goofy photo if it hadn't been so distressing to me that night, folks. Not so much immediately upsetting, it kind of subliminally threw me into a deep, two-day Doubt funk. After talking with Connie about it a little bit ago, I feel like the Doubt really deserves another, deeper look-see.
I think I've realized that Doubt is really a result of my usual sense of self being disrupted in a non-fun way.
When I'm simply going about my day, I've come to think of myself as very much Milla in a very real sense. And I really am Milla, whether or not I always was. I feel very strongly I was.
But it's almost like a weird, dissociative memory block at the same time. I feel like this new person, who just happens to have these fake memories and photos and belongings that really belong to this mysterious other person named "Ian." I never really lived or looked like that, right?
Bzzt. When this model of reality is disturbed, by seeing "Ian" with greaser hair and boobs in the mirror, fer instance, I am forcibly, brutally reminded that these memories are, in fact, very real. And they are mine. And that stings.
Even Connie has a lot of trouble thinking of me as the same person.
Maybe the mystery of whether transsexualism is scientifically "real" or not, and whether gender identity is static or fluid, or determined by nature or nuture, will be solved.
On the other hand, maybe I know who and what I am, and just ultimately don't care about the whys and hows. And maybe that's what really matters.
Hello... I haven't been around much, but I should be back soon. (New visitors looking for non-personal-type entries might want to look through the category archives-- I hear they're decent.)
Though, general trans topics are running pretty slim. When I do come back (probably sometime next week), I'll need to turn this place into a largely personal weblog, or otherwise change the focus.
Things have gotten a little weird for me lately. (Yeah, eh?) I hope it'll pan out, but in the meantime it may make good Transgurl fodder. Until then, I'm getting my hours in as a part-time involunteer at the local Goodwill store. The constant walking makes it exhausting, but "making" $20.31 towards the fine every hour makes it totally worth it.
Promise to be back next week or sooner!
Posted in weblog by Milla | Post a Comment?
Things weren't all that bad in reality, but it sure did feel like it. I couldn't really place just why.
Part of the problem was, I got depressed again. No, wait, that was the whole problem. Transgurl had run out of steam. I was still dealing with legal problems from July '05. I could have been sent back to jail for two and a half months at the drop of a hat. I was Doubt-y. And I only saw Connie a couple hours on weekdays; I was working at Goodwill for free every night because I had-ta. That last bit was the kicker.
Connie and I once volunteered a couple of Wednesdays at a different thrift store. A few of our co-volunteers made the experience less fun for us than it could have been, so we stopped going. But otherwise it helped me get out of the house, and we both love helping out folks who are even poorer than we are.
But at Goodwill, I felt like Little Miss Criminal in the Blue Criminal's Apron for Criminals or something the whole time. It might have been only my own insecurity toying with me, but only a few red-aprons interacted with me regarding anything beyond business. (And they were great folks, those non-judgmental red-aprons.)
So yeah, anyway, that's done. No more fine; I paid the community back for my crime by instead hanging up used clothes! Ah well. My probation should end very soon now, and that will make it much easier to become employed at all. Employment is good. A necessary evil at worst. It pays for hair removal. Internet. And miscellanea like rent and food.
Posted in misc, transition, weblog by Milla | Comments (3)
Today's questions come from reader Katie. She writes:
Thanks for the questions, Katie!
I'm on 2mg of estradiol valerate (Estrace) twice daily, 100 mg spironolactone (Aldactone) twice daily, and 5mg Provera in the evening. I've been on that regimen for most of my transition.
On a regimen like mine, you can probably go six to eight months before you'd have to start wearing a tight sports bra. After about a year or so, I'd reckon that people might start to wonder anyway, depending on your weight/build, style of dress, and how observant your coworkers are. I've read over and over that one can hide the effects of HRT indefinitely, but my own experience would suggest otherwise.
These are of course only guesses, as I went full-time at around 4 months on HRT. I was fairly thin then, for me (a size 14), and nobody at the musician's store I worked at suspected anything. If getting "caught" will be a problem at work, there is the option of slowing the changes by omitting meds or reducing doses. This, I'm told, won't harm the final result.
Hormones change you psychologically as well, and Provera especially can make you really PMS-y or otherwise moody and irritable, so be careful to take them exactly on time!
----
Y'know, I kind of dig being sort of a tranny agony aunt. So, whether you're just a curious bystander, thinking about MtF transition, or still in the trenches (like yours truly), don't be afraid to email me questions, or just post them as comments!
Also, I'm working hard on categories. I just kind of added them over time. But never went back and assigned them to older entries. So now I'm doing just that! Woo!
Posted in ask_a_tranny, hormones, transition by Milla
Dyeing my hair was interesting this time. No, seriously!
I was dyeing it black again the other night, to cover some natural-red highlights and my ever-worsening gray roots. So as usual, it was slicked back against my head. This tends to reveal the less-than-feminine skull and hairline my thick, poofy hair usually hides well, and makes me look sorta like Bowser from Sha-Na-Na. A really queer Bowser.
I'd have provided a goofy photo if it hadn't been so distressing to me that night, folks. Not so much immediately upsetting, it kind of subliminally threw me into a deep, two-day Doubt funk. After talking with Connie about it a little bit ago, I feel like the Doubt really deserves another, deeper look-see.
I think I've realized that Doubt is really a result of my usual sense of self being disrupted in a non-fun way.
When I'm simply going about my day, I've come to think of myself as very much Milla in a very real sense. And I really am Milla, whether or not I always was. I feel very strongly I was.
But it's almost like a weird, dissociative memory block at the same time. I feel like this new person, who just happens to have these fake memories and photos and belongings that really belong to this mysterious other person named "Ian." I never really lived or looked like that, right?
Bzzt. When this model of reality is disturbed, by seeing "Ian" with greaser hair and boobs in the mirror, fer instance, I am forcibly, brutally reminded that these memories are, in fact, very real. And they are mine. And that stings.
Even Connie has a lot of trouble thinking of me as the same person.
Maybe the mystery of whether transsexualism is scientifically "real" or not, and whether gender identity is static or fluid, or determined by nature or nuture, will be solved.
On the other hand, maybe I know who and what I am, and just ultimately don't care about the whys and hows. And maybe that's what really matters.
Posted in by Milla | Comments (2)