Right. You've come out to everyone, you've got a half-decent wardrobe together, you just started hormones, and you've been out in public as yourself a few times. But still, it feels like you don't belong, people get nervous, and it's clear you're not quite ready for prime-time just yet. The reason is clear, and it's something you've dreaded ever since beginning your transition.
It's VOICE! Dun-dun-dunnnn.
FtMs, you guys are sooo lucky in this regard.
At first, the idea of using my poor testosterone-damaged vocal cords to emit an acceptably female tone was extremely intimidating. But I think I managed pretty well on my own without expensive DVDs or special training, merely by keeping a few pointers in mind and practicing non-stop. Depending on one's "natural" voice, it can be easier or more difficult to accomplish this, but the vast majority of MtF girls are capable of sounding quite convincing with enough practice. (If you can do the Monty Python old lady voice, you can do it.)
As is oft-repeated, the most important aspect of a female voice isn't pitch, or even the "singing" changes in pitch, it's resonance. The male voice sounds deep and rich largely because males are taught to reverberate their voices in their chest cavity, adding lots of harmonics. Barry White, I'm looking at you. (Mmmm-hmm.) So to project a female voice, one must find her "head voice", speaking from the head and not the chest. Talking "through the nose" can also help sometimes. All this helps produce a clearer, more feminine-sounding base tone and is the basis of most MtF voice methods.
Pitch is also important but average male and female voices really only vary about five whole steps in pitch, and getting everything else "right" will forgive a low pitch, except in extreme cases. More importantly, one should change pitch almost as if singing, and use high pitches to emphasize words while keeping a steady volume. Punching the volume of the voice and using a monotone sounds male. It's also helpful here to use the lowest falsetto you can manage.
Vowels. If you listen carefully to female speech, vowels and certain words are often pronounced differently. It's almost like a sub-accent. This has helped me out lots.
Even your choice of words can affect the perceptions of others. Although it's an aspect of society I'm none too fond of, as a lady you're expected to be less commanding, less confident, softer-spoken, gentler, and more refined. Cisgendered women can get away with "mannish" language and behavior better, but it can out a transwoman.
Female HRT won't change the voice very much. The little it does do is a result of changed muscle and skin tone, as well as the new shape of the face, neck, and chest. But it did seem easier and easier to do my new voice through continued disuse of the old one. I don't even have to think about it anymore. Surgery is available to raise the lowest pitch one can make, but problematic and risky (one could lose her voice entirely!) The method I've outlined actually sounds better, so MtF vocal surgery is very much a risky, costly last resort with current techniques.
I'd totally give MP3 examples here of the voice I used to use and the one I'm using now, or even make this a spoken-word entry, but I don't have my microphone with me here in Wisconsin. Ah well, maybe someday.
I've got some happy personal news to report. Woo-hoo!
I started volunteering at the local St. Vincent's thrift store Wednesday evening, despite it being hot and balmy. This was my first work experience of any kind as myself, and counts towards the work portion of my Real Life Test. Despite some anxiety on my arrival, when my co-volunteers were talking about a box of size 12 women's shoes having been donated by a transvestite (oh, goodness!), the evening went very smoothly. I was very comfortable (much moreso than in past jobs), and I passed with flying colors!
Also, I attended my final court hearing today. After waiting around 2 hours for a 5 minute hearing, my request to perform community service instead of paying the $650 fine (because of an inability to find work) was granted! And I'm only required 32 hours! I'll be doing more as a volunteer than that anyway. My previous volunteering will not be applied, but the figure is so low that I'm assuming the judge took my previous work into account.
The fine being waived is small potatoes. The real benefit here is that my probation officer sees the same sense in me being on probation as I do: nil. He only kept me on to make sure I took care of the fine. So now that the fine will be taken care of very shortly, I just have to get my supervision fees caught up, and I'll be taken off probation early, the whole legal mess behind me. That won't be a bad early 32nd birthday present!
Appy polly logies for the lack of updates recently. If it's any consolation, I do have a large non-personal entry coming up soon. It rocks, honest!
One of the reasons for the serious lag in updates lately is that I'm simply running out of transition-related topics. Feel free to suggest them via comments or email if there's anything you're curious about. It's Ask a Tranny!
But mainly, I've had some rough emotional spots and general foot-dragging to deal with. After all, those are the perks of being a fucked-up bipolar chick who gets her sex hormones via air mail.
Speaking of which, I look pretty tonight. (Please bear with me.) I was about to brush my teeth, and my reflection in our large bathroom mirror struck me. I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, but through all the personal hubbub, sometimes I fail to even notice all the wonderful progress I make. Yes, for a girl who grew up with testes, and has only been on female HRT for a little over a year, starting at 30, I actually look pretty okay!
This sort of downtime is exactly when I lose sight of why I'm going through all this soul-rending crapola to begin with. When I'm down, frustrated, or otherwise unhappy, often I get a feeling I've come to call The Doubt.
Occasional cases of The Doubt are not at all uncommon among transfolks. One of my trans friends has reported experiencing this post-op, even. It's the strong, distressing feeling that you really belong to your assigned gender after all, that transition is futile and crazy, that one still looks very male or female.
I'll admit it: The Doubt has almost caused me to give up on transitioning a couple of times. It's such a powerful feeling that it has surely, sadly changed the minds of some otherwise newly happy, comfortable people.
Thankfully, there's also the flip-side of the coin: Certainty. I've had moments of such blaring certainty, I can end some Doubt spells just by remembering that feeling, along with my 2-year-old driver's license photo:
Patita Pirata asks: "Is there anything you miss about living as a man? On the flip side, what's your favorite thing about living as a woman?"
Good questions, Patita!
I don't miss much about living in the male role, but a few things were easier to deal with.
I think the thing I miss the most, and I hope it's not disappointing, was passing so flawlessly. I was ma'amed 7-8 times in my 29-year lifespan before I transitioned. That wouldn't be a great passing rate for a non-trans person, but much better than I am likely to get now, even if I "went back."
I also miss some aspects of male privilege. Yes, guys, it's very real. I had more license to act and present myself in certain ways because, after all, boys will be boys. Well... usually. I was allowed to act smarter and more confident, and customer service/tech support guys seemed more eager to please me, and more confident in the information I provided. 'Cause girls don't know nothing about boy stuff.
And then of course, being a girl is a huge pain sometimes because we're expected to put a lot more effort into our day-to-day appearances. Which leads neatly to your next question; It's actually my favorite thing at the same time!
I have to admit that my favorite thing about femalehood is appearance: body shape, clothes, jewelry, makeup. It feels a lot more natural, and it can be a lot of fun to get dolled up and go out without fear of ridicule. The clothes are far more interesting and varied, and much more comfortable usually.
Being allowed to have and show feelings is a definite plus. I'm not ridiculed when I cry. We're allowed to touch each other.
Except the occasional cattiness, women have a sort of empathy for each other I really appreciate. When I'm with other women, I don't feel like an outsider like I do with men, and I'm not automatically assumed to meet male stereotypes, especially negative ones. I can look at other girls and their clothes without them assuming I'm gawking at their figures. I feel like I belong. I can bash men. (But only in fun, guys!)
It's way easier for me to get dates, especially with boys, now.
Brights, pastels, and especially pinks are no longer a mortal sin. And there are more than 8 colors at all.
I could go on for hours about why I'm glad I'm female in umpteen-hundred ways, but those are my favorite!
But actually, the common notion that MtF transitioning takes balls is misguided, and I'd like to expound. That's a pun that isn't, and while I've always felt very free to be different, I was very timid about transition in the beginning.
For most transsexual people, there just comes a time where you know it has to be done. Period. The self-imposed ultimatum of transition or suicide (which I dealt with personally!) happens too often. Having wanted this my whole life, I bawled for six hours straight, out of terror, when I decided to give in and "become" the real me. So it's not often a real choice per se, by most definitions. It's more a cross to bear.
Thankfully, people are usually much more accepting (or just plain quiet) about it than one might assume, especially when going out dressed as yourself for the first time. But it does really help to be stubborn! Most people who begin therapy, and maybe even have a brief stint on hormones, quickly learn that they don't want to transition that badly. Whether this is due more to personal error or societal pressure is hard to say.
So, yeah. I'm not brave, I'm just female enough to have to go through with it. And lucky enough to pass!
Thanks so much for your support of the transgendered. Everyone who offers it. We need all we can get!
Right. You've come out to everyone, you've got a half-decent wardrobe together, you just started hormones, and you've been out in public as yourself a few times. But still, it feels like you don't belong, people get nervous, and it's clear you're not quite ready for prime-time just yet. The reason is clear, and it's something you've dreaded ever since beginning your transition.
It's VOICE! Dun-dun-dunnnn.
FtMs, you guys are sooo lucky in this regard.
At first, the idea of using my poor testosterone-damaged vocal cords to emit an acceptably female tone was extremely intimidating. But I think I managed pretty well on my own without expensive DVDs or special training, merely by keeping a few pointers in mind and practicing non-stop. Depending on one's "natural" voice, it can be easier or more difficult to accomplish this, but the vast majority of MtF girls are capable of sounding quite convincing with enough practice. (If you can do the Monty Python old lady voice, you can do it.)
As is oft-repeated, the most important aspect of a female voice isn't pitch, or even the "singing" changes in pitch, it's resonance. The male voice sounds deep and rich largely because males are taught to reverberate their voices in their chest cavity, adding lots of harmonics. Barry White, I'm looking at you. (Mmmm-hmm.) So to project a female voice, one must find her "head voice", speaking from the head and not the chest. Talking "through the nose" can also help sometimes. All this helps produce a clearer, more feminine-sounding base tone and is the basis of most MtF voice methods.
Pitch is also important but average male and female voices really only vary about five whole steps in pitch, and getting everything else "right" will forgive a low pitch, except in extreme cases. More importantly, one should change pitch almost as if singing, and use high pitches to emphasize words while keeping a steady volume. Punching the volume of the voice and using a monotone sounds male. It's also helpful here to use the lowest falsetto you can manage.
Vowels. If you listen carefully to female speech, vowels and certain words are often pronounced differently. It's almost like a sub-accent. This has helped me out lots.
Even your choice of words can affect the perceptions of others. Although it's an aspect of society I'm none too fond of, as a lady you're expected to be less commanding, less confident, softer-spoken, gentler, and more refined. Cisgendered women can get away with "mannish" language and behavior better, but it can out a transwoman.
Female HRT won't change the voice very much. The little it does do is a result of changed muscle and skin tone, as well as the new shape of the face, neck, and chest. But it did seem easier and easier to do my new voice through continued disuse of the old one. I don't even have to think about it anymore. Surgery is available to raise the lowest pitch one can make, but problematic and risky (one could lose her voice entirely!) The method I've outlined actually sounds better, so MtF vocal surgery is very much a risky, costly last resort with current techniques.
I'd totally give MP3 examples here of the voice I used to use and the one I'm using now, or even make this a spoken-word entry, but I don't have my microphone with me here in Wisconsin. Ah well, maybe someday.
Posted in transition by Milla | Comments (3)
I've got some happy personal news to report. Woo-hoo!
I started volunteering at the local St. Vincent's thrift store Wednesday evening, despite it being hot and balmy. This was my first work experience of any kind as myself, and counts towards the work portion of my Real Life Test. Despite some anxiety on my arrival, when my co-volunteers were talking about a box of size 12 women's shoes having been donated by a transvestite (oh, goodness!), the evening went very smoothly. I was very comfortable (much moreso than in past jobs), and I passed with flying colors!
Also, I attended my final court hearing today. After waiting around 2 hours for a 5 minute hearing, my request to perform community service instead of paying the $650 fine (because of an inability to find work) was granted! And I'm only required 32 hours! I'll be doing more as a volunteer than that anyway. My previous volunteering will not be applied, but the figure is so low that I'm assuming the judge took my previous work into account.
The fine being waived is small potatoes. The real benefit here is that my probation officer sees the same sense in me being on probation as I do: nil. He only kept me on to make sure I took care of the fine. So now that the fine will be taken care of very shortly, I just have to get my supervision fees caught up, and I'll be taken off probation early, the whole legal mess behind me. That won't be a bad early 32nd birthday present!
Posted in misc by Milla | Comments (5)
Appy polly logies for the lack of updates recently. If it's any consolation, I do have a large non-personal entry coming up soon. It rocks, honest!
One of the reasons for the serious lag in updates lately is that I'm simply running out of transition-related topics. Feel free to suggest them via comments or email if there's anything you're curious about. It's Ask a Tranny!
But mainly, I've had some rough emotional spots and general foot-dragging to deal with. After all, those are the perks of being a fucked-up bipolar chick who gets her sex hormones via air mail.
Speaking of which, I look pretty tonight. (Please bear with me.) I was about to brush my teeth, and my reflection in our large bathroom mirror struck me. I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, but through all the personal hubbub, sometimes I fail to even notice all the wonderful progress I make. Yes, for a girl who grew up with testes, and has only been on female HRT for a little over a year, starting at 30, I actually look pretty okay!
This sort of downtime is exactly when I lose sight of why I'm going through all this soul-rending crapola to begin with. When I'm down, frustrated, or otherwise unhappy, often I get a feeling I've come to call The Doubt.
Occasional cases of The Doubt are not at all uncommon among transfolks. One of my trans friends has reported experiencing this post-op, even. It's the strong, distressing feeling that you really belong to your assigned gender after all, that transition is futile and crazy, that one still looks very male or female.
I'll admit it: The Doubt has almost caused me to give up on transitioning a couple of times. It's such a powerful feeling that it has surely, sadly changed the minds of some otherwise newly happy, comfortable people.
Thankfully, there's also the flip-side of the coin: Certainty. I've had moments of such blaring certainty, I can end some Doubt spells just by remembering that feeling, along with my 2-year-old driver's license photo:
Yep. I'm pretty durned sure.
Posted in transition, weblog by Milla | Comments (5)
Patita Pirata asks: "Is there anything you miss about living as a man? On the flip side, what's your favorite thing about living as a woman?"
Good questions, Patita!
I don't miss much about living in the male role, but a few things were easier to deal with.
I think the thing I miss the most, and I hope it's not disappointing, was passing so flawlessly. I was ma'amed 7-8 times in my 29-year lifespan before I transitioned. That wouldn't be a great passing rate for a non-trans person, but much better than I am likely to get now, even if I "went back."
I also miss some aspects of male privilege. Yes, guys, it's very real. I had more license to act and present myself in certain ways because, after all, boys will be boys. Well... usually. I was allowed to act smarter and more confident, and customer service/tech support guys seemed more eager to please me, and more confident in the information I provided. 'Cause girls don't know nothing about boy stuff.
And then of course, being a girl is a huge pain sometimes because we're expected to put a lot more effort into our day-to-day appearances. Which leads neatly to your next question; It's actually my favorite thing at the same time!
I have to admit that my favorite thing about femalehood is appearance: body shape, clothes, jewelry, makeup. It feels a lot more natural, and it can be a lot of fun to get dolled up and go out without fear of ridicule. The clothes are far more interesting and varied, and much more comfortable usually.
Being allowed to have and show feelings is a definite plus. I'm not ridiculed when I cry. We're allowed to touch each other.
Except the occasional cattiness, women have a sort of empathy for each other I really appreciate. When I'm with other women, I don't feel like an outsider like I do with men, and I'm not automatically assumed to meet male stereotypes, especially negative ones. I can look at other girls and their clothes without them assuming I'm gawking at their figures. I feel like I belong. I can bash men. (But only in fun, guys!)
It's way easier for me to get dates, especially with boys, now.
Brights, pastels, and especially pinks are no longer a mortal sin. And there are more than 8 colors at all.
I could go on for hours about why I'm glad I'm female in umpteen-hundred ways, but those are my favorite!
Posted in ask_a_tranny, playing_boy, transition by Milla | Comments (5)
A reader (and Stumbleupon friend) recently posted kind words of support for me and the transgender community at large. Thank you, Nummy!
But actually, the common notion that MtF transitioning takes balls is misguided, and I'd like to expound. That's a pun that isn't, and while I've always felt very free to be different, I was very timid about transition in the beginning.
For most transsexual people, there just comes a time where you know it has to be done. Period. The self-imposed ultimatum of transition or suicide (which I dealt with personally!) happens too often. Having wanted this my whole life, I bawled for six hours straight, out of terror, when I decided to give in and "become" the real me. So it's not often a real choice per se, by most definitions. It's more a cross to bear.
Thankfully, people are usually much more accepting (or just plain quiet) about it than one might assume, especially when going out dressed as yourself for the first time. But it does really help to be stubborn! Most people who begin therapy, and maybe even have a brief stint on hormones, quickly learn that they don't want to transition that badly. Whether this is due more to personal error or societal pressure is hard to say.
So, yeah. I'm not brave, I'm just female enough to have to go through with it. And lucky enough to pass!
Thanks so much for your support of the transgendered. Everyone who offers it. We need all we can get!
Posted in transition by Milla | Comments (9)