Dudette's Syndrome is perhaps one of the strangest side-effects of transitioning from male to female in the middle of one's life, which affects non-romantic relationships with males. Even if the relationship isn't much affected directly-- and it often isn't-- the new context changes everything.
You don't have complete "girl" status, but you're not "one of the guys" now either. As per the usual, you're sort of stuck in between with a mixed, incomplete set of gender privileges. Sometimes, especially early on, it's not uncommon to be called "dude" with a hastily (but tardily) added "-ette". At least in my generation.
It's understandable, though. Often, to friends, coworkers, and family, your transition literally feels as though the "old you" is slowly replaced by this new person they hardly know. Going through the entire grief process for the person they thought they knew is, unfortunately, the norm.
On the other hand, it's not always easy for the transwoman to relate to male friends and family as female. I find myself relating to them, again, as sort of a "dudette," not that that's what I really am, but rather because that's how we've related to each other for years and years.
It's not a huge concern, but it really can make things awkward and stilted sometimes.
I bet my FtM brothers experience the same thing in reverse, and that has to be even more difficult. Eek!
Transsexualism, like other intersex conditions, is something that just happens in some sexually reproducing animals. We humans now have a more-or-less effective way of dealing with that.
But the notion of "becoming a woman" or "becoming a man" can, in various ways, lure individuals who are largely comfortable and happy with their assigned genders into transitioning. This usually pans out to be a Bad Thing for all involved.
To help prevent misguided people from doing irreversible damage to their lives and bodies via ill-advised gender transitions, there are now a number of safeguards in place. By far, the most commonly used system for safer transition is the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. The HBSoC protocol provides guidelines for therapists and gender specialists in helping patients cope.
So the network of caretakers in gender therapy have mostly mutually agreed on these guidelines. As such, surgeons and endocrinologists require written recommendation "letters" from therapists and psychologists before they will provide hormones or surgery.
The guideline for beginning hormones is a minimum of three months therapy or full-time living. My therapist also required dressing as my true gender in group, and a couple of outings in public as myself. (Which were quite interesting, hee!) One letter is required.
For surgery, two letters (or signatures) are generally required. One year of living full-time as yourself, a significant, documented amount of volunteering, employment, or schooling, and a legal name change will probably be expected by your therapist. At minimum. This is collectively known as the Real Life Test. [Your Humble Narrator will have completed this by the end of the year. She has already been living full-time for exactly one year.]
The HBSoC is not by any means a legal requirement, but to help prevent fiascoes and lawsuits, the vast majority of the trans caretaker network mutually enforces it. This is very much a Good Thing, because otherwise, there'd be a much larger number of very unhappy, litigious men with neo-vaginas about.
[Note: This entry was originally written on January 6th 2006, two days after I was released from my first, and hopefully only, stint in jail. It was posted to my StumbleUpon weblog. It is pasted here verbatim.]
I'm not proud of what happened. But the bit I'd been dreading since July is over with. Hopefully.
I wasn't going to share this publicly, but fuck it: I spent the first holiday season I didn't hate (12/5/05 - 1/04/06) in a solitary cell at the luxurious Dodge County Detention Facility in Juneau, WI! Don't believe me?
Before beginning my full-time transition (and for a short while afterward), I was pretty irresponsible. Barely squeaking by, ignoring problems that shouldn't have been ignored, and generally trying to make things as easy, fun, and painless as possible. To hell with tomorrow. After I went full-time I hadn't quite completely straightened out yet (although I planned to after finding work in Columbus). It finally bit me back at the worst possible time.
On my way home from Appleton, WI to my new digs in Columbus, OH (I moved in with another trans girl, very pretty), I struck another car, running a stop sign because I was busy desperately looking for a gas station. It was kind of sudden and unannounced anyway. The other car was a 30s model, on the way home from a car show. I had *just* gone full time. And, having been so irresponsible before my transition, had no liability insurance.
You know, I never had panic attacks often. But I have, and that one was quite a mother.
Before I really knew what happened, I fled. It was over in seconds. And I got caught looking for gas in the next town up the road, in a sort of daze. It turned out I'd left my front plastic bumper cover behind. My car, a '99 Dodge Stratus, was otherwise unharmed, as the other driver turned out to be, thankfully.
Yep! Female driving! Oh ho!
I was charged with felony hit and run (which was later reduced to a misdemeanor). I spent a long, scary ~24 hours at the same jail in solitary before I bailed out.
Later on, I got a plea bargain.. a fine, suspended license, four months in county, and two years probation. Yeesh! But I took it. No contest, y'all. I was guilty as sin, and they knew it as well as I did.
The judge, seeing my squeaky clean driving AND criminal records, withheld sentencing and reduced the four months of jail to thirty days. Thank God. If my probation is violated at any time over the next two years, however, I'll be finishing those remaining three months up. That's right, if I get a dog and they find out it barks too much.. back to the slammer.
The thirty days, like I said, weren't fun, but didn't kill me. As expected (and hoped), they put me in solitary to help protect my sissy behind, and therefore their pocketbooks.
The guards were (mostly) pretty respectful and nice. I wasn't allowed female pronouns, but they started referred to me using my last name, and not "sir" or "Mr. [so-and-so]." I also finally managed to get the proper laundry out of them.
The most amusing thing about the whole ordeal? I'd gotten work release privileges (huber). I don't think they'd ever housed a tranny, and they weren't sure *who* to have strip-search me on returning from job interviews or work. One solution they considered was having a female guard check my top half.
It turns out the probation can't be transferred out-of-state so I'm going to live and work here in Appleton with my babygirl for the two years. I hope she goes back to Columbus with me!
So there you have it. Now I'm going to be the bestest behaved little girl in the class. For a little while! Hee!
[Epilogue: Still don't have work, but I'm waiting on the judge's word on community service instead of the fine. Once the fine/work are completed, my probation will very likely end.]
(Warning: Genital surgery is a subject that squicks many, and this entry gets a bit graphic. Some readers may wish to skip it.)
"The wound healed and I was left / With a one inch mound of flesh
Where my penis used to be / Where my vagina never was
It was a one inch mound of flesh / With a scar running down it like a sideways grimace on an eyeless face
It was just a little bulge / It was an angry inch" - Hedwig and the Angry Inch, "Angry Inch"
Heh. With that choice quote out of the way, let's talk about surgery!
I haven't personally had any transition-related MtF surgery beyond a short period of facial electrolysis yet. So my ability to write about it is limited compared to some. But I do have a basic understanding, have read a lot about it, and have talked one-on-one to people who have had it.
First, let's quell the infamous myth straight off. Sexual Reassignment Surgery (SRS) does not mean removal of the penis or what have you. In fact, to my knowledge, the only things removed are the testes and the erectile tissue. The testes are sometimes removed in a separate operation called an orchiectomy.
Rather than being removed, the penis and scrotum are restructured and retrofitted to (re)construct the vagina. Depending on the surgeon, a sensate, orgasmic clitoris can be formed. In another operation called Penile Inversion, it's basically turned inside out. This mode of SRS is becoming deprecated. Often, even a general practitioner cannot distinguish between a "natal vagina" and a neo-vagina via cursory inspection, particularly with the newer techniques.
Once the vagina is constructed, it must be dilated to the desired width and maximum depth. This is done by inserting dildo-like surgical stents of increasing size and applying pressure. In the weeks following surgery, the vagina must be dilated about five times a day for a half hour at a time, which will decrease to once a week over about half a year. At this point, dilation continues indefinitely with current techniques. If dilation isn't done often or long enough, the vagina will become very shallow and probably even heal shut.
According to one web source, average cost for MtF SRS was a little over $10k in 2001. This likely covered only the surgery itself. Figures I've heard in group therapy run more like $15k unless you get Facial Feminization Surgery. Lots of that can run it up close to $50k. We'll cover FFS in Part II.
Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS) is another mixed blessing/necessary evil in the world of MtF transition. It does what female hormones can't do, namely giving certain facial structures (such as the nose, forehead, and jaw) a markedly feminine appearance, reversing certain effects of testosterone exposure that female HRT can only prevent. Very early transition often precludes the need for any FFS.
Some therapists, mine included, often discourage even their older girls from getting FFS, not only because of the inherent risks of any invasive surgery, but because it's not always necessary or even advisable.
FFS is a drastic measure. For those with heavy brows, it can involve things like getting your browbone removed, sanded down, and replaced, a Forehead Bone Contouring. Or one's entire jawbone made sharper and smaller. Being transgendered, I can still easily imagine how people would be willing to undergo such extreme procedures for many thousands of dollars, and may even have some done myself.
For more information on specific procedures, see here. Also, some amazing before/after photos featuring specific procedures performed by Dr. Suporn in Thailand (who I plan to see for SRS at the least) can be found here.
A larger portion of girls (a little over half) are satisfied with the breast development induced by female HRT, but sometimes with larger frames and/or a smaller genetic disposition, the chest doesn't develop to a size that is proportional or satisfactory. The MtF generally grows boobs about one cup size below her mother or sister. So of course, it's everyone's favorite procedure, Augmentation Mammoplasty to the rescue! (Note: Uncovered boobs on linked page.)
I don't mean to turn this into a "Milla's Sexuality This Week" blog, but it turns out I really was bisexual after all. Um, oopsie.
I've been running low on my testosterone blocker, spironolactone, having misjudged how much I had left. I likely won't get the new med shipment we ordered until Monday, so I've been on much less than my usual dose (50-75mg instead of 200mg daily) for a week or two. With my T-level rising to a normal female amount, my libido gradually returned and I became more responsive to C again.
While I definitely didn't mind having next to zero sex drive (common among us pre-op transwomen), I have to admit it's been kinda nice to have it back just for a little while. I plan to take more "spiro breaks" in the future.
Although the relationship between C and me didn't change very much throughout the whole "Milla's straight" ordeal, it's still undecided as to what we plan to do now. You'd think one's own sexuality wouldn't be so hard to figure out! Sigh.
You don't have complete "girl" status, but you're not "one of the guys" now either. As per the usual, you're sort of stuck in between with a mixed, incomplete set of gender privileges. Sometimes, especially early on, it's not uncommon to be called "dude" with a hastily (but tardily) added "-ette". At least in my generation.
It's understandable, though. Often, to friends, coworkers, and family, your transition literally feels as though the "old you" is slowly replaced by this new person they hardly know. Going through the entire grief process for the person they thought they knew is, unfortunately, the norm.
On the other hand, it's not always easy for the transwoman to relate to male friends and family as female. I find myself relating to them, again, as sort of a "dudette," not that that's what I really am, but rather because that's how we've related to each other for years and years.
It's not a huge concern, but it really can make things awkward and stilted sometimes.
I bet my FtM brothers experience the same thing in reverse, and that has to be even more difficult. Eek!
Posted in transition by Milla
Transsexualism, like other intersex conditions, is something that just happens in some sexually reproducing animals. We humans now have a more-or-less effective way of dealing with that.
But the notion of "becoming a woman" or "becoming a man" can, in various ways, lure individuals who are largely comfortable and happy with their assigned genders into transitioning. This usually pans out to be a Bad Thing for all involved.
To help prevent misguided people from doing irreversible damage to their lives and bodies via ill-advised gender transitions, there are now a number of safeguards in place. By far, the most commonly used system for safer transition is the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. The HBSoC protocol provides guidelines for therapists and gender specialists in helping patients cope.
So the network of caretakers in gender therapy have mostly mutually agreed on these guidelines. As such, surgeons and endocrinologists require written recommendation "letters" from therapists and psychologists before they will provide hormones or surgery.
The guideline for beginning hormones is a minimum of three months therapy or full-time living. My therapist also required dressing as my true gender in group, and a couple of outings in public as myself. (Which were quite interesting, hee!) One letter is required.
For surgery, two letters (or signatures) are generally required. One year of living full-time as yourself, a significant, documented amount of volunteering, employment, or schooling, and a legal name change will probably be expected by your therapist. At minimum. This is collectively known as the Real Life Test. [Your Humble Narrator will have completed this by the end of the year. She has already been living full-time for exactly one year.]
The HBSoC is not by any means a legal requirement, but to help prevent fiascoes and lawsuits, the vast majority of the trans caretaker network mutually enforces it. This is very much a Good Thing, because otherwise, there'd be a much larger number of very unhappy, litigious men with neo-vaginas about.
Posted in hormones, surgery, transition by Milla | Post a Comment?
[Note: This entry was originally written on January 6th 2006, two days after I was released from my first, and hopefully only, stint in jail. It was posted to my StumbleUpon weblog. It is pasted here verbatim.]
I'm not proud of what happened. But the bit I'd been dreading since July is over with. Hopefully.
I wasn't going to share this publicly, but fuck it: I spent the first holiday season I didn't hate (12/5/05 - 1/04/06) in a solitary cell at the luxurious Dodge County Detention Facility in Juneau, WI! Don't believe me?
Before beginning my full-time transition (and for a short while afterward), I was pretty irresponsible. Barely squeaking by, ignoring problems that shouldn't have been ignored, and generally trying to make things as easy, fun, and painless as possible. To hell with tomorrow. After I went full-time I hadn't quite completely straightened out yet (although I planned to after finding work in Columbus). It finally bit me back at the worst possible time.
On my way home from Appleton, WI to my new digs in Columbus, OH (I moved in with another trans girl, very pretty), I struck another car, running a stop sign because I was busy desperately looking for a gas station. It was kind of sudden and unannounced anyway. The other car was a 30s model, on the way home from a car show. I had *just* gone full time. And, having been so irresponsible before my transition, had no liability insurance.
You know, I never had panic attacks often. But I have, and that one was quite a mother.
Before I really knew what happened, I fled. It was over in seconds. And I got caught looking for gas in the next town up the road, in a sort of daze. It turned out I'd left my front plastic bumper cover behind. My car, a '99 Dodge Stratus, was otherwise unharmed, as the other driver turned out to be, thankfully.
Yep! Female driving! Oh ho!
I was charged with felony hit and run (which was later reduced to a misdemeanor). I spent a long, scary ~24 hours at the same jail in solitary before I bailed out.
Later on, I got a plea bargain.. a fine, suspended license, four months in county, and two years probation. Yeesh! But I took it. No contest, y'all. I was guilty as sin, and they knew it as well as I did.
The judge, seeing my squeaky clean driving AND criminal records, withheld sentencing and reduced the four months of jail to thirty days. Thank God. If my probation is violated at any time over the next two years, however, I'll be finishing those remaining three months up. That's right, if I get a dog and they find out it barks too much.. back to the slammer.
The thirty days, like I said, weren't fun, but didn't kill me. As expected (and hoped), they put me in solitary to help protect my sissy behind, and therefore their pocketbooks.
The guards were (mostly) pretty respectful and nice. I wasn't allowed female pronouns, but they started referred to me using my last name, and not "sir" or "Mr. [so-and-so]." I also finally managed to get the proper laundry out of them.
The most amusing thing about the whole ordeal? I'd gotten work release privileges (huber). I don't think they'd ever housed a tranny, and they weren't sure *who* to have strip-search me on returning from job interviews or work. One solution they considered was having a female guard check my top half.
It turns out the probation can't be transferred out-of-state so I'm going to live and work here in Appleton with my babygirl for the two years. I hope she goes back to Columbus with me!
So there you have it. Now I'm going to be the bestest behaved little girl in the class. For a little while! Hee!
[Epilogue: Still don't have work, but I'm waiting on the judge's word on community service instead of the fine. Once the fine/work are completed, my probation will very likely end.]
Posted in hindsight by Milla | Comments (2)
(Warning: Genital surgery is a subject that squicks many, and this entry gets a bit graphic. Some readers may wish to skip it.)
Heh. With that choice quote out of the way, let's talk about surgery!
I haven't personally had any transition-related MtF surgery beyond a short period of facial electrolysis yet. So my ability to write about it is limited compared to some. But I do have a basic understanding, have read a lot about it, and have talked one-on-one to people who have had it.
First, let's quell the infamous myth straight off. Sexual Reassignment Surgery (SRS) does not mean removal of the penis or what have you. In fact, to my knowledge, the only things removed are the testes and the erectile tissue. The testes are sometimes removed in a separate operation called an orchiectomy.
Rather than being removed, the penis and scrotum are restructured and retrofitted to (re)construct the vagina. Depending on the surgeon, a sensate, orgasmic clitoris can be formed. In another operation called Penile Inversion, it's basically turned inside out. This mode of SRS is becoming deprecated. Often, even a general practitioner cannot distinguish between a "natal vagina" and a neo-vagina via cursory inspection, particularly with the newer techniques.
Once the vagina is constructed, it must be dilated to the desired width and maximum depth. This is done by inserting dildo-like surgical stents of increasing size and applying pressure. In the weeks following surgery, the vagina must be dilated about five times a day for a half hour at a time, which will decrease to once a week over about half a year. At this point, dilation continues indefinitely with current techniques. If dilation isn't done often or long enough, the vagina will become very shallow and probably even heal shut.
According to one web source, average cost for MtF SRS was a little over $10k in 2001. This likely covered only the surgery itself. Figures I've heard in group therapy run more like $15k unless you get Facial Feminization Surgery. Lots of that can run it up close to $50k. We'll cover FFS in Part II.
Posted in surgery by Milla | Comments (4)
Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS) is another mixed blessing/necessary evil in the world of MtF transition. It does what female hormones can't do, namely giving certain facial structures (such as the nose, forehead, and jaw) a markedly feminine appearance, reversing certain effects of testosterone exposure that female HRT can only prevent. Very early transition often precludes the need for any FFS.
Some therapists, mine included, often discourage even their older girls from getting FFS, not only because of the inherent risks of any invasive surgery, but because it's not always necessary or even advisable.
FFS is a drastic measure. For those with heavy brows, it can involve things like getting your browbone removed, sanded down, and replaced, a Forehead Bone Contouring. Or one's entire jawbone made sharper and smaller. Being transgendered, I can still easily imagine how people would be willing to undergo such extreme procedures for many thousands of dollars, and may even have some done myself.
For more information on specific procedures, see here. Also, some amazing before/after photos featuring specific procedures performed by Dr. Suporn in Thailand (who I plan to see for SRS at the least) can be found here.
A larger portion of girls (a little over half) are satisfied with the breast development induced by female HRT, but sometimes with larger frames and/or a smaller genetic disposition, the chest doesn't develop to a size that is proportional or satisfactory. The MtF generally grows boobs about one cup size below her mother or sister. So of course, it's everyone's favorite procedure, Augmentation Mammoplasty to the rescue! (Note: Uncovered boobs on linked page.)
Posted in surgery by Milla | Comments (4)
I don't mean to turn this into a "Milla's Sexuality This Week" blog, but it turns out I really was bisexual after all. Um, oopsie.
I've been running low on my testosterone blocker, spironolactone, having misjudged how much I had left. I likely won't get the new med shipment we ordered until Monday, so I've been on much less than my usual dose (50-75mg instead of 200mg daily) for a week or two. With my T-level rising to a normal female amount, my libido gradually returned and I became more responsive to C again.
While I definitely didn't mind having next to zero sex drive (common among us pre-op transwomen), I have to admit it's been kinda nice to have it back just for a little while. I plan to take more "spiro breaks" in the future.
Although the relationship between C and me didn't change very much throughout the whole "Milla's straight" ordeal, it's still undecided as to what we plan to do now. You'd think one's own sexuality wouldn't be so hard to figure out! Sigh.
Related entry
Posted in hormones, sexuality by Milla