Cutesy logo with smart-alecky tagline and matching domain name. Check! Fancy three-column layout. Check! Eye-soothing pastels. Check. Introductory weblog entry... damn.
I'm Milla, a 31-year old transgendered woman. "Transgendered" is an umbrella term that describes people whose sex, gender identity, and/or assigned gender don't match, or don't conform to society's girl/boy binary. In my case, I was born with both sets of parts, more or less. I'm intersexed.
I was operated on at birth, declared a boy, and raised that way. Well, mostly. Today I'm living in Wisconsin as a woman with my partner, who is also female. (I'll call her C from now on.) She's what is known in the transgender community as a "GG", or "genetic girl."
But much more about that to follow. Here at Transgurl.com, I plan to write about my past and future experiences in correcting my sex and gender, and the unusual situations I find myself in.
Hopefully I'll be writing at least a few times a week, ideally once a day, so check back often. And hey, if you enjoy the site, help a sista out (see left). Thanks!
Unless you've been really, REALLY androgynous for most of your life, AND are happy with remaining as such after changing your label, correcting your gender or presentation is a surprisingly involved task. Let's step through a typical day in the life of Your Humble Narrator, circa August 2005.
10:00 AM. I wake up alone in bed in my Columbus, OH apartment. My roommate is at work. In my dream, I was still pretending to be male. I sit up and am reminded in several ways that I am already definitely on the bigger side of an A cup and am developing curves. Oh yeah, I'm a girl! Rock. I flip on the computer, take my hormones, check jobs, and head to my shower bath.
In the shower, as usual, I take great pains to shave my face very closely and carefully, as I can't afford electrolysis.
After drying off (and a bit of nude mirror gazing), I take 10 minutes or so to do my makeup. Concealer, foundation, mascara, lipstick. Natural colors. Shadow remains on my upper lip, even beneath my concealer. Shit.
12:00 AM. I head out the door to do a little job hunting and grocery shopping.
I wasn't passing very well yet. Even going grocery shopping seemed intimidating. Anyone who paid me any mind seemed nervous. People stared and took second glances. I just kept smiling gently and acting like a lady. (Though, I did flirt with the odd nervous male clerk. Cruel? Perhaps. But everyone needs comic relief.)
At first, this new attention seems amusing. Empowering, even. But it quickly began to wear on my psyche, and gave me a "unbelonging freak" complex. I never blended well. Familiar feelings, different reasons. At the checkout counter, everything always went wrong. But practice makes perfect. I was new at this.
Once again, we return to Augtember Umpteenth, 2005...
5:00 PM. After coming home and eating my cheap frozen pizza, I call the temp agency I applied at a week ago. I won't name names. One of the owners had given me a weird, nervous interview. They didn't contact me for a week afterward.
"Oh, hi, Milla! Sorry, right after you applied, several of us in the office went on vacation!"
Ahh, I see. Um, you know, evidently they never did come back from vacation.
I'm glad, too.
Other than job discrimination, perhaps the biggest issue the transgendered person faces, especially early on in his/her/hir transition, is confidence. It's a bit of a duality.
You feel so wonderful and free when being yourself in public, and it feels as though the hormones (if they've been started yet) are doing amazing things to one's appearance. Although they are, you probably have a ways to go before passing as your true gender in public, no matter how girly- or manly-looking you may feel.
On the other hand, if you feel like you're being "read"-- in that you're getting funny looks, uncomfortable stares and second glances-- one commonly begins to feel far less confident. As confidence is a huge factor in passing, this can tend to put you in a negative feedback loop. Especially under the scrutiny of the checkout counter.
For me at least, getting work is tough. It may not even be because of the tranny thing. But... I wondered if going back to part-time (eew!) for a while might make finding something a little easier. But it had been so long, I wasn't so sure I'd even be able to pass very well.
Of course, typically of me, I decided to find out one weekend, so I went out crossdressing with my girlfriend, who didn't (this time). I wore the only male clothing I still have: my drab green men's dress shirt, a half-decent tie, and black slacks. I don't have any men's dress shoes, but I wore some flat-ish black zipper boots. All in public! Unfortunately, there were some obstacles, and I learned much sympathy for my FtM brothers:
Obstacle #1: I have boobs. As of now, my breasts are very definite B-cups, and it looks like they might even reach somewhere in the C range before they finish. I wore a tightish sports bra to try and flatten them (poo), but I'd still have to gain 50 pounds or so to make them look even remotely proportional. Bzzt.
Obstacle #2: I have hair. My hair is getting decently long, just past my shoulders, poofy, wavy, and worst of all, I have BANGS! Think Courtney Love circa 1994, except brown. Bzzt.
Obstacle #3: I lack voice. Estrogen will not affect my poor testosteronated voice box much, but it does a little, as do new proportions and muscle tone. I haven't used those lower registers except in rare occasions (some very funny) since early last summer. Bzzt.
Obstacle #4: I am female. Having broken free some time ago, I had a lot of trouble conducting myself in anything resembling a masculine way without lots of effort. That, and my feminized face and body foiled my attempts at being more rough n' rugged than Richard Simmons. Bzzt.
I did not pass very well despite my best efforts. I was also very uncomfortable, almost as nervous as I once was going out in female clothes. I got strange stares from older masculine males especially. Towards the end of the whole weird adventure, I put on powder and lipstick and acted like myself again.
Part-time isn't an option anymore. This girl ain't lookin' back, even though I really, really wish I could just give up and say "fuck it" sometimes.
This article I found in the Google News sidebar reports on an ordinance that would simply and harmlessly prohibit gender identity discrimination.
Why does simple equality stir debate?
"We all have a nature, a nature that's a gift from God, and the contentment and joy in our lives largely depends on us not going against nature," Pastor Tim Bailey said. "Make no mistake about it: You are using your power to limit my conscience as a member of this community in the realm of sexuality by putting me and the orthodox Christian community at loggerheads with the ordinance you're going to pass next week."
I TOTALLY agree with the first part. No, seriously.
Now that I'm no longer living in my doctor-assigned role, which ran contrary to my God-given female nature, I am, in fact, VERY content and joyful.
A Note to Young Milla, Addressed Backwards Through Time.
Dear Milla,
I know you're thinking about zipping through electronics at DeVry after graduation. But it doesn't work. You drop out due to a crushing depression caused by your complete lack of self-esteem. It's rooted in your lifelong gender dysphoria. Go to a real university instead. In fact, make it OSU, because Columbus is where your soon-to-be gender therapist lives. Get a pharmacy degree; forget computers. Work.
That one guy you met a couple years ago? Ditch him nicely.
Fix your relationship with your sister now. You won't have to be jealous anymore.
Oh, one more thing: I know you're just about to graduate, and you're still figuring things out.
And I know the very idea terrifies you.
Let her out.
That's the real you. You're an intersexed girl, not a crazy pervert. Do it. Now.
If you have any questions, I'll be here in the future, beating my head against the desk.
Perhaps the biggest question I had while beginning my transition was: "How is switching to female hormones going to affect me, and how much how fast?" Changing your set of sex hormones is a huge deal, as I knew, and getting them from most external sources-- as opposed to glands-- carries risks.
Sex hormones are powerful, magical beasts, and switching (even partly) affects many body processes considerably. The effects of doing this are far from completely known, but there are certain more obvious effects that are desirable and therapeutic to us transsexual folks.
Estradiol isn't a miracle drug [It's close! -- Ed.], but it is a powerful steroid hormone, the most powerful of the estrogens. The other female sex hormone is progesterone.
In pre-op women, hormones are generally begun three months or longer after seeing the gender therapist for the first time. The first order of the day is usually increasing the level of estrogen in the body dramatically. It's available in pills, injections, patches, and creams.
Speed in change is desired, and the estrogen has to "fight" the remaining testosterone, which should decrease to normal female levels in a matter of months. So, typically, pre-op doses are several times (up to eight!) the standard dose. The health risk this brings is not high, but is significant. Remaining at pre-op levels for much more than 3-4 years is considered dangerous and discouraged by most physicians.
I'm taking a short break (probably a week or so). Yep, already.
It looks like I might be getting hired as myself(!!) at Wally World (of all places). Also, I just made it through my monthly week of not taking any progesterone, and it's unusually bad this time, so I'm in Psycho Bitch/Weepy Woman mode a lot.
Next up in the MtF pharmacy is something to help combat further testosterone poisoning. One common agent is spironolactone, a diuretic that also acts as dummy testosterone, without the nasty side effects. As estrogen and spiro take over, the testes see that there's enough sex hormone in the blood already, and they stop producing all that T. Yay!
Another rather expensive antiandrogen, not available by prescription in the US, is Androcur. It's a bit like building a brick wall to stop a draft, in this writer's opinion.
Finally, we add the other female sex hormone, progesterone. More often than not, a synthetic progestin like Provera is used instead. To my experience, it does seem to promote breast growth, but this is debated, and some doctors don't prescribe it to transsexual women. I disagree with that, as "unopposed estrogen" treatment is being found dangerous anyway. ["Unopposed Estrogen" is also the name of my future grrl band. Hee! -- Ed.]
Even after having met other transwomen and seeing just how much changing hormones is capable of, I'm extremely happy with what they're doing for me after just over a year of taking them. Hormonal changes take about 5-7 years to fully complete, but I've read that by and large, it takes 2.5 years.
In the final installment, we'll go over some of the more obvious effects.
Certainly, our completely hypothetical transgurl was much happier starting from the moment of her very first dose of estrogen, wasn't she? Now, a few months later, her lab results are in, and she's certified hormonally female. Let's observe what becomes of her now.
Figure 14.3: Scientifically computer-rendered diagram of completely hypothetical transgurl at various phases of development. Click for enlargement.
Zero hour: Hormones administered to grateful (albeit completely hypothetical) transgurl while she drives home from her endocrinologist. Joy follows for several weeks.
Two weeks: A slight change in fat distribution. Backside and hips feel a bit rounder and better padded, and face slightly thinner. Skin feels different.
Three months: Eyes visibly larger, face definitely on way to becoming more wedge-shaped. Skin feels softer and much less oily. Feels calmer, less aggressive, and less "edgy", but emotions seem somewhat amplified otherwise. Fat distribution changes even more apparent, especially in chest areas. Thighs seem rounder. Breasts begin to form. Tendency towards shamelessness, overdressing when presenting as female. (Diagram regarding tight stretch capris somehow lost.)
Six months: Transgurl now full-time. Feels far less guarded and restricted in general, especially in public. Skin becoming much thinner and smaller all over; quality dramatically improved all around. Muscles start losing mass, albeit very slowly. Testes, now somewhat smaller, no longer producing sperm (irreversible), and androgen production now at female levels (reversible). Breasts now somewhat pronounced. Insists upon wearing fuchsia leopard spaghetti tanktop and pink stretch corduroys in public.
Eight months: At this stage, our hypothetical transgurl is hopefully looking much more feminine. Belly has begun to lower, and waist is rising and becoming smaller. By now, muscle mass enlarging upper body, ribcage, and back has visibly reduced, but much remains. Arms, shoulders, neck, and legs look rounder and more feminine. Curves very definite but still underdeveloped. Upper leg and hindquarter regions 68.45% more wiggly-jiggly.
One year, two months: Transgurl starting to pass very well in public as member of true gender. Body appears very feminine and curvy overall despite male-proportioned pelvis and shoulder blades. Belly much lower, and narrower in front. Muscle mass reduction faster. Body hair thinner, sparser, and of a somewhat lighter color. Subject got more back than average.
Transgurl's average facial expression continues to improve. The experiment continues!
I'm Milla, a 31-year old transgendered woman. "Transgendered" is an umbrella term that describes people whose sex, gender identity, and/or assigned gender don't match, or don't conform to society's girl/boy binary. In my case, I was born with both sets of parts, more or less. I'm intersexed.
I was operated on at birth, declared a boy, and raised that way. Well, mostly. Today I'm living in Wisconsin as a woman with my partner, who is also female. (I'll call her C from now on.) She's what is known in the transgender community as a "GG", or "genetic girl."
But much more about that to follow. Here at Transgurl.com, I plan to write about my past and future experiences in correcting my sex and gender, and the unusual situations I find myself in.
Hopefully I'll be writing at least a few times a week, ideally once a day, so check back often. And hey, if you enjoy the site, help a sista out (see left). Thanks!
Posted in misc, weblog by Milla | Comments (6)
Unless you've been really, REALLY androgynous for most of your life, AND are happy with remaining as such after changing your label, correcting your gender or presentation is a surprisingly involved task. Let's step through a typical day in the life of Your Humble Narrator, circa August 2005.
10:00 AM. I wake up alone in bed in my Columbus, OH apartment. My roommate is at work. In my dream, I was still pretending to be male. I sit up and am reminded in several ways that I am already definitely on the bigger side of an A cup and am developing curves. Oh yeah, I'm a girl! Rock. I flip on the computer, take my hormones, check jobs, and head to my shower bath.
In the shower, as usual, I take great pains to shave my face very closely and carefully, as I can't afford electrolysis.
After drying off (and a bit of nude mirror gazing), I take 10 minutes or so to do my makeup. Concealer, foundation, mascara, lipstick. Natural colors. Shadow remains on my upper lip, even beneath my concealer. Shit.
12:00 AM. I head out the door to do a little job hunting and grocery shopping.
I wasn't passing very well yet. Even going grocery shopping seemed intimidating. Anyone who paid me any mind seemed nervous. People stared and took second glances. I just kept smiling gently and acting like a lady. (Though, I did flirt with the odd nervous male clerk. Cruel? Perhaps. But everyone needs comic relief.)
At first, this new attention seems amusing. Empowering, even. But it quickly began to wear on my psyche, and gave me a "unbelonging freak" complex. I never blended well. Familiar feelings, different reasons. At the checkout counter, everything always went wrong. But practice makes perfect. I was new at this.
To be continued...
Posted in hindsight, transition by Milla | Comments (1)
Once again, we return to Augtember Umpteenth, 2005...
5:00 PM. After coming home and eating my cheap frozen pizza, I call the temp agency I applied at a week ago. I won't name names. One of the owners had given me a weird, nervous interview. They didn't contact me for a week afterward.
"Oh, hi, Milla! Sorry, right after you applied, several of us in the office went on vacation!"
Ahh, I see. Um, you know, evidently they never did come back from vacation.
I'm glad, too.
Other than job discrimination, perhaps the biggest issue the transgendered person faces, especially early on in his/her/hir transition, is confidence. It's a bit of a duality.
You feel so wonderful and free when being yourself in public, and it feels as though the hormones (if they've been started yet) are doing amazing things to one's appearance. Although they are, you probably have a ways to go before passing as your true gender in public, no matter how girly- or manly-looking you may feel.
On the other hand, if you feel like you're being "read"-- in that you're getting funny looks, uncomfortable stares and second glances-- one commonly begins to feel far less confident. As confidence is a huge factor in passing, this can tend to put you in a negative feedback loop. Especially under the scrutiny of the checkout counter.
Posted in hindsight, transition by Milla | Comments (1)
Of course, typically of me, I decided to find out one weekend, so I went out crossdressing with my girlfriend, who didn't (this time). I wore the only male clothing I still have: my drab green men's dress shirt, a half-decent tie, and black slacks. I don't have any men's dress shoes, but I wore some flat-ish black zipper boots. All in public! Unfortunately, there were some obstacles, and I learned much sympathy for my FtM brothers:
Obstacle #1: I have boobs. As of now, my breasts are very definite B-cups, and it looks like they might even reach somewhere in the C range before they finish. I wore a tightish sports bra to try and flatten them (poo), but I'd still have to gain 50 pounds or so to make them look even remotely proportional. Bzzt.
Obstacle #2: I have hair. My hair is getting decently long, just past my shoulders, poofy, wavy, and worst of all, I have BANGS! Think Courtney Love circa 1994, except brown. Bzzt.
Obstacle #3: I lack voice. Estrogen will not affect my poor testosteronated voice box much, but it does a little, as do new proportions and muscle tone. I haven't used those lower registers except in rare occasions (some very funny) since early last summer. Bzzt.
Obstacle #4: I am female. Having broken free some time ago, I had a lot of trouble conducting myself in anything resembling a masculine way without lots of effort. That, and my feminized face and body foiled my attempts at being more rough n' rugged than Richard Simmons. Bzzt.
I did not pass very well despite my best efforts. I was also very uncomfortable, almost as nervous as I once was going out in female clothes. I got strange stares from older masculine males especially. Towards the end of the whole weird adventure, I put on powder and lipstick and acted like myself again.
Part-time isn't an option anymore. This girl ain't lookin' back, even though I really, really wish I could just give up and say "fuck it" sometimes.
Hee.
Posted in playing_boy by Milla | Comments (4)
This article I found in the Google News sidebar reports on an ordinance that would simply and harmlessly prohibit gender identity discrimination.
Why does simple equality stir debate?
"We all have a nature, a nature that's a gift from God, and the contentment and joy in our lives largely depends on us not going against nature," Pastor Tim Bailey said. "Make no mistake about it: You are using your power to limit my conscience as a member of this community in the realm of sexuality by putting me and the orthodox Christian community at loggerheads with the ordinance you're going to pass next week."
I TOTALLY agree with the first part. No, seriously.
Now that I'm no longer living in my doctor-assigned role, which ran contrary to my God-given female nature, I am, in fact, VERY content and joyful.
What's the problem, Pastor Bailey?
Posted in news by Milla
A Note to Young Milla, Addressed Backwards Through Time.
Dear Milla,
I know you're thinking about zipping through electronics at DeVry after graduation. But it doesn't work. You drop out due to a crushing depression caused by your complete lack of self-esteem. It's rooted in your lifelong gender dysphoria. Go to a real university instead. In fact, make it OSU, because Columbus is where your soon-to-be gender therapist lives. Get a pharmacy degree; forget computers. Work.
That one guy you met a couple years ago? Ditch him nicely.
Fix your relationship with your sister now. You won't have to be jealous anymore.
Oh, one more thing: I know you're just about to graduate, and you're still figuring things out.
And I know the very idea terrifies you.
Let her out.
That's the real you. You're an intersexed girl, not a crazy pervert. Do it. Now.
If you have any questions, I'll be here in the future, beating my head against the desk.
Love,
The Real You
--
*thump thump thump thump thump*
Posted in hindsight by Milla | Comments (2)
Perhaps the biggest question I had while beginning my transition was: "How is switching to female hormones going to affect me, and how much how fast?" Changing your set of sex hormones is a huge deal, as I knew, and getting them from most external sources-- as opposed to glands-- carries risks.
Sex hormones are powerful, magical beasts, and switching (even partly) affects many body processes considerably. The effects of doing this are far from completely known, but there are certain more obvious effects that are desirable and therapeutic to us transsexual folks.
Estradiol isn't a miracle drug [It's close! -- Ed.], but it is a powerful steroid hormone, the most powerful of the estrogens. The other female sex hormone is progesterone.
In pre-op women, hormones are generally begun three months or longer after seeing the gender therapist for the first time. The first order of the day is usually increasing the level of estrogen in the body dramatically. It's available in pills, injections, patches, and creams.
Speed in change is desired, and the estrogen has to "fight" the remaining testosterone, which should decrease to normal female levels in a matter of months. So, typically, pre-op doses are several times (up to eight!) the standard dose. The health risk this brings is not high, but is significant. Remaining at pre-op levels for much more than 3-4 years is considered dangerous and discouraged by most physicians.
To be continued...
Posted in hormones by Milla | Comments (2)
Folks:
I'm taking a short break (probably a week or so). Yep, already.
It looks like I might be getting hired as myself(!!) at Wally World (of all places). Also, I just made it through my monthly week of not taking any progesterone, and it's unusually bad this time, so I'm in Psycho Bitch/Weepy Woman mode a lot.
I'll be back very soon, promise! Just a heads-up.
[Update 4/27: I'm back. Whew.]
Posted in weblog by Milla
Next up in the MtF pharmacy is something to help combat further testosterone poisoning. One common agent is spironolactone, a diuretic that also acts as dummy testosterone, without the nasty side effects. As estrogen and spiro take over, the testes see that there's enough sex hormone in the blood already, and they stop producing all that T. Yay!
Another rather expensive antiandrogen, not available by prescription in the US, is Androcur. It's a bit like building a brick wall to stop a draft, in this writer's opinion.
Finally, we add the other female sex hormone, progesterone. More often than not, a synthetic progestin like Provera is used instead. To my experience, it does seem to promote breast growth, but this is debated, and some doctors don't prescribe it to transsexual women. I disagree with that, as "unopposed estrogen" treatment is being found dangerous anyway. ["Unopposed Estrogen" is also the name of my future grrl band. Hee! -- Ed.]
Even after having met other transwomen and seeing just how much changing hormones is capable of, I'm extremely happy with what they're doing for me after just over a year of taking them. Hormonal changes take about 5-7 years to fully complete, but I've read that by and large, it takes 2.5 years.
In the final installment, we'll go over some of the more obvious effects.
To be continued...
Posted in hormones by Milla | Comments (2)
Certainly, our completely hypothetical transgurl was much happier starting from the moment of her very first dose of estrogen, wasn't she? Now, a few months later, her lab results are in, and she's certified hormonally female. Let's observe what becomes of her now.
Figure 14.3: Scientifically computer-rendered diagram of completely hypothetical transgurl at various phases of development. Click for enlargement.
Zero hour: Hormones administered to grateful (albeit completely hypothetical) transgurl while she drives home from her endocrinologist. Joy follows for several weeks.
Two weeks: A slight change in fat distribution. Backside and hips feel a bit rounder and better padded, and face slightly thinner. Skin feels different.
Three months: Eyes visibly larger, face definitely on way to becoming more wedge-shaped. Skin feels softer and much less oily. Feels calmer, less aggressive, and less "edgy", but emotions seem somewhat amplified otherwise. Fat distribution changes even more apparent, especially in chest areas. Thighs seem rounder. Breasts begin to form. Tendency towards shamelessness, overdressing when presenting as female. (Diagram regarding tight stretch capris somehow lost.)
Six months: Transgurl now full-time. Feels far less guarded and restricted in general, especially in public. Skin becoming much thinner and smaller all over; quality dramatically improved all around. Muscles start losing mass, albeit very slowly. Testes, now somewhat smaller, no longer producing sperm (irreversible), and androgen production now at female levels (reversible). Breasts now somewhat pronounced. Insists upon wearing fuchsia leopard spaghetti tanktop and pink stretch corduroys in public.
Eight months: At this stage, our hypothetical transgurl is hopefully looking much more feminine. Belly has begun to lower, and waist is rising and becoming smaller. By now, muscle mass enlarging upper body, ribcage, and back has visibly reduced, but much remains. Arms, shoulders, neck, and legs look rounder and more feminine. Curves very definite but still underdeveloped. Upper leg and hindquarter regions 68.45% more wiggly-jiggly.
One year, two months: Transgurl starting to pass very well in public as member of true gender. Body appears very feminine and curvy overall despite male-proportioned pelvis and shoulder blades. Belly much lower, and narrower in front. Muscle mass reduction faster. Body hair thinner, sparser, and of a somewhat lighter color. Subject got more back than average.
Transgurl's average facial expression continues to improve. The experiment continues!
Posted in hormones by Milla | Comments (5)